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February 08, 2018
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Written for my final Second City Online Writing Satire class.

This​ ​is​ ​one​ ​of​ ​my​ ​several​ ​attempts​ ​to​ ​write​ ​about​ ​my​ ​circumstance,​ ​yet​ ​every​ ​attempt​ ​led​ ​to​ ​my​ ​pen​ ​turning​ ​into a​ ​string​ ​bean.​ ​"Why?“​ ​you​ ​may​ ​ask.​ ​Well,​ ​for​ ​I've​ ​pissed​ ​off​ ​a​ ​wizard.​ ​This​ ​long​ ​winded​ ​tale​ ​is​ ​as​ ​warped​ ​as​ ​it​ ​is impressive,​ ​so​ ​I​ ​am​ ​writing​ ​this​ ​open​ ​letter​ ​in​ ​hopes​ ​that​ ​it's​ ​seen​ ​and/or​ ​passed​ ​along​ ​to​ ​the​ ​wizard​ ​in​ ​question so​ ​he​ ​can​ ​lift​ ​this​ ​burden​ ​he​ ​has​ ​placed​ ​on​ ​my​ ​life.

Now​ ​it​ ​would​ ​be​ ​great​ ​to​ ​simply​ ​mention​ ​his​ ​name​ ​and​ ​resolve​ ​this​ ​issue​ ​without​ ​too​ ​much​ ​trouble. Unfortunately,​ ​he's​ ​wise​ ​and​ ​he​ ​has​ ​already​ ​covered​ ​his​ ​tracks.​ ​So​ ​whenever​ ​I​ ​dare​ ​to​ ​utter​ ​such​ ​words​ ​to identify​ ​him,​ ​I​ ​reveal​ ​a​ ​dark,​ ​incredibly​ ​embarrassing​ ​secret​ ​about​ ​myself​ ​that​ ​only​ ​complicates​ ​my​ ​hunt​ ​for​ ​this magical​ ​bastard.

He​ ​has​ ​cursed​ ​me​ ​in​ ​ways​ ​that​ ​only​ ​a​ ​pissed​ ​off​ ​wizard​ ​would​ ​dare​ ​to​ ​pursue.​ ​MY​ ​SYPHILIS​ ​RIDDEN GENITALS​ ​wizardry​ ​has​ ​nearly​ ​destroyed​ ​my​ ​life​ ​in​ ​every​ ​aspect.​ ​That's​ ​right,​ ​I​ ​REGULARLY​ ​URINE​ ​MYSELF WHEN​ ​I​ ​SNEEZE​ ​is​ ​a​ ​monster​ ​who​ ​has​ ​yet​ ​to​ ​let​ ​go​ ​of​ ​the​ ​reigns​ ​of​ ​his​ ​brutality.

So​ ​how​ ​did​ ​I​ ​cross​ ​I​ ​HAVE​ ​THREE​ ​NIPPLES​ ​and​ ​how​ ​did​ ​this​ ​vexing​ ​begin?
Well,​ ​it​ ​all​ ​started​ ​at​ ​the​ ​recent​ ​town​ ​beheading.​ ​I​ ​was​ ​tunneling​ ​through​ ​the​ ​crowd​ ​to​ ​grab​ ​a​ ​seat​ ​near​ ​the splatter​ ​section,​ ​which​ ​happens​ ​to​ ​be​ ​one​ ​of​ ​the​ ​best​ ​seats​ ​in​ ​the​ ​court​ ​for​ ​such​ ​brutality.​ ​I'm​ ​not​ ​royalty,​ ​so​ ​it’s really​ ​first​ ​come​ ​first​ ​serve​ ​if​ ​you​ ​want​ ​to​ ​heckle​ ​someone​ ​who​ ​is​ ​about​ ​to​ ​be​ ​decapitated.

So​ ​as​ ​I​ ​was​ ​pushing​ ​through​ ​the​ ​locals​ ​in​ ​the​ ​food​ ​court​ ​and​ ​knocking​ ​over​ ​baskets​ ​of​ ​vegetables,​ ​I​ ​ended​ ​up running​ ​into​ ​what​ ​seemed​ ​to​ ​be​ ​an​ ​old,​ ​frail​ ​woman​ ​with​ ​a​ ​cane.​ ​My​ ​momentum​ ​knocked​ ​her​ ​into​ ​a​ ​vegetable cart​ ​and​ ​her​ ​cane​ ​split​ ​as​ ​soon​ ​as​ ​it​ ​hit​ ​the​ ​ground.​ ​As​ ​the​ ​woman​ ​scrambled​ ​for​ ​balance,​ ​I​ ​placed​ ​my​ ​hands​ ​on her​ ​shoulders​ ​and​ ​apologized​ ​to​ ​discover​ ​that​ ​it​ ​was​ ​not​ ​only​ ​a​ ​man…​ ​but​ ​a​ ​5,000​ ​year​ ​old​ ​wizard​ ​named​ ​I HAVE​ ​HORRIFIC​ ​ACNE​ ​ON​ ​MY​ ​BACK.

Standing​ ​dead​ ​in​ ​my​ ​tracks,​ ​I'VE​ ​HAD​ ​SEX​ ​WITH​ ​FARM​ ​ANIMALS​ ​picked​ ​up​ ​his​ ​cracked​ ​staff​ ​and​ ​stared directly​ ​into​ ​my​ ​soul.​ ​Between​ ​incorrectly​ ​identifying​ ​his​ ​gender​ ​and​ ​cracking​ ​his​ ​staff,​ ​life​ ​as​ ​I​ ​knew​ ​it​ ​was going​ ​to​ ​be​ ​turned​ ​upside​ ​down​ ​for​ ​the​ ​rest​ ​of​ ​my​ ​years.

After​ ​long​ ​winded​ ​tongues​ ​were​ ​uttered​ ​and​ ​lighting​ ​bolts​ ​came​ ​from​ ​the​ ​sky,​ ​MY​ ​FACE​ ​WAS​ ​MY​ ​WIFE’S OUTHOUSE​ ​placed​ ​a​ ​vex​ ​on​ ​me​ ​that​ ​would​ ​not​ ​only​ ​constantly​ ​remind​ ​me​ ​of​ ​my​ ​mistake​ ​and​ ​where​ ​it happened,​ ​but​ ​destroy​ ​my​ ​life​ ​from​ ​the​ ​inside​ ​out.​ ​To​ ​add​ ​insult​ ​to​ ​injury,​ ​the​ ​court​ ​jester​ ​even​ ​used​ ​my​ ​run​ ​in with​ ​the​ ​wizard​ ​as​ ​material​ ​for​ ​his​ ​act​ ​while​ ​the​ ​guillotine​ ​was​ ​being​ ​sharpened.​ ​I​ ​hoped​ ​that​ ​was​ ​the​ ​extent​ ​of MY​ ​SAD,​ ​CROOKED​ ​ERECTION​ ​vex,​ ​but​ ​this​ ​was​ ​only​ ​the​ ​beginning​ ​of​ ​what​ ​the​ ​wizard​ ​had​ ​in​ ​store​ ​for​ ​me once​ ​the​ ​heads​ ​filled​ ​the​ ​head-catching​ ​basket.

It​ ​was​ ​when​ ​I​ ​got​ ​home​ ​from​ ​this​ ​kid-friendly​ ​event​ ​when​ ​I​ ​realized​ ​that​ ​MY​ ​FOUL​ ​SMELLING​ ​MOUTH​ ​SORES vexing​ ​wasn't​ ​only​ ​going​ ​to​ ​be​ ​my​ ​problem,​ ​but​ ​it​ ​effected​ ​my​ ​loving​ ​wife​ ​(who​ ​was​ ​transformed​ ​into​ ​a​ ​pumpkin) and​ ​my​ ​two​ ​sons​ ​(who​ ​were​ ​transformed​ ​into​ ​a​ ​radish​ ​and​ ​a​ ​zucchini,​ ​respectively).​ ​It​ ​also​ ​effected​ ​my​ ​home, which​ ​was​ ​transformed​ ​into​ ​a​ ​giant,​ ​rotting​ ​onion.​ ​My​ ​friends​ ​who​ ​were​ ​once​ ​figuratively​ ​jackasses​ ​became carrots​ ​that​ ​could​ ​be​ ​fed​ ​to​ ​literal​ ​jackasses.​ ​The​ ​pain​ ​of​ ​his​ ​vex​ ​only​ ​worsens​ ​with​ ​time,​ ​as​ ​each​ ​day​ ​reveals​ ​a new​ ​embarrassing​ ​secret​ ​I​ ​want​ ​to​ ​suppress​ ​and​ ​I​ ​discover​ ​a​ ​vegetable​ ​that​ ​might've​ ​been​ ​something​ ​and/or someone​ ​I​ ​cared​ ​about.

Haunting​ ​me​ ​in​ ​my​ ​dreams​ ​and​ ​turning​ ​my​ ​nightmares​ ​into​ ​a​ ​reality,​ ​MY​ ​MUCH​ ​​ ​SMALLER​ ​TESTICLE​ ​is pissed,​ ​he​ ​isn't​ ​budging,​ ​and​ ​I'd​ ​appreciate​ ​it​ ​if​ ​you​ ​could​ ​pass​ ​my​ ​words​ ​along​ ​until​ ​my​ ​curse​ ​is​ ​lifted.​ ​If​ ​I​ ​had only​ ​known​ ​how​ ​liberal​ ​he​ ​was​ ​with​ ​his​ ​curses,​ ​vexes,​ ​and​ ​magical​ ​prowess,​ ​I​ ​wouldn't​ ​have​ ​made​ ​such​ ​a mistake.​ ​If​ ​I'M​ ​DISAPPOINTING​ ​IN​ ​BED​ ​can​ ​find​ ​it​ ​in​ ​his​ ​dark​ ​heart​ ​to​ ​forgive​ ​me,​ ​it​ ​would​ ​be​ ​much appreciated.
Anyway,​ ​I​ ​must​ ​water​ ​my​ ​wife​ ​and​ ​children​ ​now,​ ​but​ ​please,​ ​PLEASE​ ​I​ ​EAT​ ​MY​ ​BOOGERS…​ ​forgive​ ​me​ ​of​ ​my error.

Cursed​ ​by​ ​MY​ ​DINGLE​ ​BERRY​ ​INFESTED​ ​ANUS,
- Reginald​ ​Drumpf

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