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November 14, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

New estimates say the U.S. will become the world's top oil producer by 2020. Causing Saudi Arabia to grab and stretch its collar comically.

A small Italian village gave Obama a rare mushroom to celebrate his re-election. And you wouldn't believe what they gave Colorado to celebrate its legalizing marijuana.

A new poll says 53 percent of Americans would blame congressional Republicans if a solution to the latest "fiscal cliff" isn't found. Which is unfair since some Republicans don't even believe that cliffs exist.

Rep. Paul Ryan says he was shocked by the election results. "Totally didn't see it coming," said the man who continued to raise millions of dollars for his campaign to get re-elected to Congress.

The man who accused the actor behind the "Sesame Street" character Elmo of underage sexual conduct has recanted. Regardless, Fox News remains skeptical.

Meanwhile, the CEO of Waffle House is being accused by a former employee of forcing her to have sex. Like every surface of a Waffle House, prosecutors expect the charges to stick.

The Oxford American Dictionary selected "GIF" as the word of the year. "Oh come on! This was my year!" said Romnesia.

Obama hopes to raise $1.6 trillion through taxes on the wealthy over the next decade. Or if Congress gives him any trouble, $1.6 thousand.

France is now the first European country to officially support the Syrian rebels. France hoping to end the year-long brutal civil war before it becomes a two-year-long brutal civil war.

A Cleveland woman was ordered to hold an “idiot” sign in public after she was caught driving on a sidewalk to pass a school bus as it unloaded children. Said the judge, "Now you know how those idiot children feel."