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December 10, 2010

Its office Holiday party time which means the divorce attorneys are gearing up for a busy January and February. And so are the lawyers that specialize in Human Resources and Extortion cases.

As a matter of fact, I suggest law firms SPONSOR holiday parties…

This Party Sponsored By: Dewey, Cheatem and How

“Take a picture of our sign on your iPhone, cuz tomorrow, when ya don’t remember anything from the party, A FEW OF YOU are gonna need us!”

But, what the heck, it’s the Holidays, let’s be Merry.. and if your a male cross-dresser, let’s be “Mary!” 

Websites like this one, Office Party Etiquette, written by Rob Hard (yeah.. I said HARD. Now do yer best Beavis and Butthead laugh) suggest Do’s and Don’ts of
Holiday office activities.  If yer a person that has to be told not to drink too much or  to not do dress like a “French Horne” (or whatever the phrase is) at the office party, then yer an idiot OR a drunk, a slut or BOTH!

So while it might be obvious to limit your drinks and slutty clothing at the office Holiday party, here are a few of my own tidbits for ya:

1)    Don’t say this to yer boss, “Wow, you’re wife looks great tonight, I mean, she looks REALLY hot!”  This is probably not gonna go all that well if you’re a guy and your talking to another guy, especially yer boss. However, if YOUR wife happens to say this to your boss’s wife, you might be in for a good time AND A RAISE!

2)   Guys, I suggest that ya keep the MISTLETOE BELTBUCKLE at home!  And ladies, keep  the CAMEL TOE pants at home!  The Mistletoe Beltbuckle is just gonna lead to trouble and even more advances from the guy that works in the cubicle next to you who’s been offering to go out at lunch to help ya pick drapes for your new apartment!  And ladies, the camel toe pants are gonna getcha NUTHIN’ other than some serious chaffing.

3)   Male or female, REFRAIN FROM FARTING!!!  You know how it goes, ya need to sneak one out and you figure yer just gonna move quickly around the room to disguise the blame.  Bottom, line everyone knows who FARTED (the red-faced person darting around the room swinging their arms like Julie Andrews in “The Sound of Music.”)

By the way, here’s a Little Johnny joke about farting:

Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing.

The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing.

He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"

Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out."

The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing?"

Little Johnny says, "Cause those “SOAPWARDS" are sitting in the class smelling my fart while I'm outside in this beautiful weather."

Funny as this story is, it didn’t happen.  However, I did get kicked out of Physics class in high school once for supposedly laughing at a buddy who DID fart in class.  A whole group of us got sent to meet with the principal for, as the teacher put it, “behaving like barnyard animals.”  The whole deal was pretty lame except for the fact that, at the time, I was dating the principal’s daughter!  In school, Mr. Principal wasn’t so happy.  However, later that  evening at his house, he was in a lighter mood while I was visiting, and he asked me, “so who ate it?” referring to the FART GAME of old. 

(Click here if your a dumb “SOAPWORD” and don’t know the FART GAME)

And back to the farting at the office Holiday party, my tip is: go outside and fart where the smokers are.  First, their sense of smell is dead. Second, they’ve sucked in WAAAY worse air into their lungs already.  Your deviled-egg-shrimp-cocktail-wings-cheese-beer fart won’t bother them.

Comment below on YOUR office Holiday party Do or Don't!

By the way, anyone know who the famous COMEDIANS are that I should credit for the firm name of Dewey, Cheatem and How?