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Published April 28, 2011

Here are my “Little Johnny” kinds of thoughts on how to increase male viewership of the royal wedding:

  • Start a Fantasy Groomsman League – choose the best 8 male celebrities who you believe will be sober, bathed, shaved and available to be in London the day of the wedding
  • Produce a “pre-game” show with highlights of the Royal bachelor party – accenting highlights with a telestrator and John Madden
  • Coordinate betting on the chances that one of the groomsman ATTENDS THE WEDDING with one of the bachelor party strippers AS HIS DATE – flip back and forth between live video of her dressed up at the wedding and FlipCam footage of the SAME GIRL performing at the bachelor party
  • Full Screen ThongCam –  There HAS to be room for one of those tiny cameras under that humongous wedding dress.  Shows events of the entire day from the point of Kate’s underwear - including closed captions pointing out what is actually going on while you are seeing what you’re seeing, i.e, “This is Kate walking down the aisle, stay tuned, because in 5 minutes she will be stepping up into the carriage."
  • Highlights of sideline cheerleaders and large-bellied, drunk, hairy men that have their naked torso’s painted with “GOOD LUCK and GOD BLESS.”
  • Intersperse NFL draft picks with wedding coverage – “And who presents Kate for marriage?” (cut to NFL) “The Dallas Cowboys choose Nick Fairley of Auburn.”
  • Have all female viewers make the SLIGHTEST hint, that sex could follow the ceremony if her man watches it with her (picture Pavlov’s dog here watching the ceremony)
  • Fart monitors in the cathedral pews – all seats wired with sensors that immediately trigger an on-screen, green-cloud graphic over the head of anyone in the church crowd that passes gas

Well, whatever happens, I am sure Kate will look “beautiful” and here is a Little Johnny joke about the word “beautiful.”

 During a class on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

 First, little Suzie responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." 

The teacher then called on little Michael.  "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" the teacher said.  Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny.

 "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,just SOAPWORD beautiful!

This didn’t happen. Neither of my sisters woulda had the courage to let this happen outta fear of our mother, NOT my dad.

But what really happened, is: As Catholic altar boys, me, Dirty Kurty and Micky Carrol were serving a wedding.  As usual, the bride had chosen a couple of favorite uncles to perform the scripture readings at mass.  The church always gave them a large font, one-page printout of the reading so they didn't have to fumble with the actual 23-pound scripture book. 

Just before mass, Micky Carrol changed out a copy of the actual scripture reading with HIS OWN version.  Knowing that these uncles are usually unprepared and nervous, he rewrote the ending of the reading to say, “This is the word of the Lord.  Now THAT’s SOAPWORD'n beautiful.”

It was one of the funniest things EVER  when the bride’s Uncle Stushy actually blurted that out from the podium without thinking twice!!  We laughed sooooo hard that Dirty Kurty farted on his hardwood church seat - which made even MORE of a hilarious catastrophe!

Thankfully, we were never actually found to be the culprits, cuz of how hard two guys in the bridal party laughed too!  (The bride hated most of them and WE were just innocent boys.)

What are your suggestions on making the Royal Wedding “guy friendly?”

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