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Published March 04, 2011
With pornography being all the rage with the young chaps and chicks these days, the people who feel the most anguish are the porn stars' parents, for they are not able to feel the excitement that comes from watching these videos like the rest of the general public. That is until Vivid Entertainment decided recently to release DVDs and yes, VHS tapes marketed specifically for the parents of porn stars with the intent that these parents can finally enjoy their child’s hard work.

 “You bet your tits this is a big market,” a Vivid spokesperson slurred when contacted over the phone. “We project by the year 2025, 41 percent of all grown-up children will be doing porn. That is just how the job market is shifting towards more of a blow job market. I’m not butt-fucking you either, we have economists who have put in the work.”

Although this number may seem high, for parents of current porn stars this is quite comforting. “To be honest, I think they’re low-balling a bit with that percentage,” says Betty Haskins, mother of up-and-coming porn star Lisa Lisa Sux Suxxx, “I took an economics course myself in high school, so I have some background in that sort of stuff.”

The videos will be reduced dramatically to edit out scenes of sexual acts, while still keeping in the heart of the story so that the parents of the porn stars in the film will feel safe watching their children on screen. For instance, Lisa Lisa Sux Suxx latest film running time has been reduced from 81 minutes to a more digestible 6 minutes. “Until this, the only time I got to see my daughter on screen is when she is with Charlie Sheen,” says Mrs. Haskins. Her current pop cultural reference receives a high five and a belly laugh from her husband, Dennis Haskins (definitely not the Dennis Haskins who played Mr. Belding on Saved by the Bell). “Sure, we would prefer her to do something else, but it’s not like she’s going to be an astrophysicist any time soon, so in this economy, what the hell, have a ball,” adds Mr. Haskins.

Last week, the Haskins purchased the new edited version of their daughter's last film and made it the main event of movie night with Jennifer's Body being the opening act. When asked what the Haskins thought of seeing their daughter in the highly edited video, both parents seemed confident in their opinion. “It was missing something, I can’t put my finger on it,” Mrs. Haskins weighed in. “Finger in it, you mean,” Mr. Haskins helpfully chimes in.

Mrs. Haskins looks at her husband. “If we’re having an open and honest dialogue, I’ll say this, I really wanted to see that buff Filipino guy in action. Is that wrong?” Mr. Haskins replies, “That’s where our daughter gets it from.” Mrs. Haskins caresses Mr. Haskins’ leg.

“You know what would have been nice,” Mr. Haskins says, “if they didn’t edit out the other girls’ scenes. Like if they edited the film for each individual set of parents not just a general parent edit. I’m not a skeleton and more importantly, I’m not the busty blonde with that tattoos Dad.” Mrs. Haskins nods in agreement. “All I kept thinking while I was watching the edited version was that my daughter must be really talented at something and it’s not delivering the non-nonsensical lines she had.”

“And since we’re being completely honest,” Mrs. Haskins gets off her back, “I’ll say this, after watching the edited film, we decided to purchase the dirty version. Yeah, I saw my daughter like I never seen her before, but that Filipino is hung like all of Asia combined. Lucky girl, she is.”

“Besides, I saw her when she was a little girl without a shirt plenty of times,” Mr. Haskins adds, but quickly straightens up, “Not too many times though. Only the absolute necessary times. Anyway, not much has changed for her in that area.”

Betty smacks her husband, “You know she is going to get her tits after a few more movies."

Mrs. Haskins leaves the interview with powerful last words, "We’re going to watch the real, honest version again right now with the lights off and the curtains shut, we hope you stay. It'll only take ten minutes, tops.”

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