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June 23, 2015

Update on 90s Cartoon Characters

Oh the joy of those Saturday mornings with a bowl with Lucky Charms and endless cartoons. We have grown up and those cartoons have faded away, causing many to wonder what happened to some of our favorite characters. Surprisingly, most have hit rock bottom.

Tom and Jerry finally got through their sexual tension in the 90s and admitted that it was all because they loved each other. Fortunately, although laws in many U.S. States forbid same sex personal expressions of commitments and love, marriage between a male cat and male mouse is strongly encouraged and in fact was fast tracked through senate after being attached to some sort of invading-an-oil-rich-country bill. Thomas and Jerome are currently looking at adopting one of Madonna’s kids.

Tommy Pickles from Rugrats attended the Betty Ford rehab center at the age of 9 after a 4 year battle with meth, oxycontin and breast milk. The late teen is now trying to live a normal life by working at McDonalds and completing 2nd grade.

The Teletubbies have moved behind the camera by creating, producing and directing a live action version of their show called “Here Come Honey Boo Boo”.

During another one of Fred Flinstones’ get rich quick schemes, he struck gold by importing cocaine into Bedrock. Fred and Barney quickly established a bowling league distribution network by using fillable balls and bacl pocket bowling alley employees. Teams would launch balls filled with money down the alley, have the ball swapped in the back and returned to Fred’s crew who would remove the cash, insert the cocaine and throw the ball back down the lane. Fred was known to be ruthless in his pursuit of utter dominance which was always demonstrated with his catch phrase “yabba dabba dead!”. He was ultimately caught in 2008 and is serving a 13 year sentence at Alcatraz. His rise from nice guy to crime lord inspired a TV show that was apparently a massive success.

SpongeBob SquarePants was on vacation in the Gulf Coast, visiting his cousin CucumberSteve TrapezoidJockstrap, when the BP oil explosion happened. Fortunately for the ecosystem, SpongeBob absorbed all oil and our earth is clean! Unfortunately, for him, he died.

Bugs Bunny, known in the 90s for his taste of bunny tail, has been identified as "you are the father” 17 times on the TV show Maury. He has 102 children and has been forced to take up a rapping career to pay for the alimony. Double-B, his rapper name, was featured on Scrizzle McDizzle’s latest record - Get Rich or Inherit Millions.

Betty Boop starred in the AMC TV series Mad Men as Joan.

Inspector Gadget now has Parkinson’s Disease, which was discovered when he launched his go-go-gadget hands and they started shaking. The disease hasn’t been all bad however, as involuntary missile launches have accidentally prevented at least 6 crimes. Given the devastating news, Penny decided to go under the knife and have machines inserted directly into her body. Within 4 days she defeated Dr. Claw, revealing how stupid the Inspector really was.

The Jetsons discovered that they live a in a technologically “Benjamin Button” world. The family is now traveling via horse and buggy, have no telephone, let alone videophone, and their robot housekeeper is now a malfunctioning Roomba. In 2021, the whole family will be eaten by Fred Flintstones’ Brontosaurus.

The Care Bears not only loved the rainbow, but generally saw it only while high on acid. They are now fully fledged hippies, and since 2003 have created their own commune in northeastern NY state. This commune is based on peace, love, magic mushrooms and aggressive S&M lead by Secret Bear.

The Brain discovered a massive tumor affecting Pinky’s intelligence and immediately removed it. Pinky’s IQ quickly shot up, past the Brains’, which was evident when he used quantum entanglement to rip a hole in space-time, travel back and stop the Big Bang Theory (TV Show). However, he also surpassed the Brains’ insatiable desire to be an evil genius and is currently attempting to take over the world by operating a small robot that rules North Korea.

Barney the Dinosaur, like most child stars (he was only 65 million years old), lost all his money on boos, cars and paying for sex with the cast of Toy Story. He is currently trying to lose 16 tonnes in order to star in a Steven Seagal produced action movie.

Fat Albert was accused by over 40 woman of misbehaving sexually. He quickly apologized, stopped doing stand-up comedy and turned himself to a correctional rehab center. He is currently fully recovered after 3 years in treatment and is spending all of his time fighting for woman’s rights, equal pay and teaching a course on how to spot a douche with micro penis.