Dudes of the world: we have a problem. Something that we need to unite on, rally around, and nail into place as universal Man Code. This is where my idea for the solution came from.
Recently I got off work and was going to meet a few friends in an Omaha bar. The place was packed and, as it is well-known for being a German-beer lover’s paradise, it was having a massive Oktoberfest celebration. As I waded through the lederhosen, steins, and drunk dudes weaving towards drunk girls weaving towards refills, I could barely squeeze through the throng of people.
After finding my girlfriend and a few of her friends tucked away in a corner booth in a side-room, I had a beer and found myself ready to use the bathroom. Bathrooms in bars are almost always dicey propositions at best. They often times have shitty locks, dirty floors, and are almost always out of paper towels. This bathroom was no exception.
With Polka music from the Germanfest still ringing in my ears, urine in my nostrils and some a-hole wearing one of those obnoxious fedoras that have become all the rage for hipsters these days nearly stumbling into me on the way out I realized that there’s no place quite like a men’s room in a bar. But mens’ rooms need to have rules or they degenerate into anarchy in its purest form.
Ladies and Gentleman of Burnpoetry, I give to you:
The Six Commandments (For Dudes) of Bar Bathrooms
I. Thou shalt not make small talk with the dude next to you in line.
Just because we all have dicks does not make us all homeys. This isn’t the time to spill your guts. I don’t care if you’re “hammered, bro” or if you’re not having any luck getting laid. This isn’t the Babysitters Club, where we all sit in a circle and share our feelings with one another by candlelight. I’m just here to take a leak and go on my way.
II. Thou shalt aim. . .or sit the hell down.
Nothing worse than heading into the men’s room only to find your feet residing in a urine-colored pool of, well, urine. Most dudes, myself included, aren’t snipers when they’re taking a leak. That’s why they invented urinals. If you too inaccurate to piss into a gaping hole built into the wall, then you’re either too drunk or you’re Zac Lee who couldn’t aim anything into anything. If you’re so boozed up that you feel like you’re trying to pee in the back of an old high school bus that’s on a BMX course. . .sit down.
III. Thou shalt not moan while peeing.
I don’t care if you’re passing a kidney stone, you don’t need to make any noise while you’re urinating. Does it feel good to take a leak after you’ve pounded through 6 beers in the first quarter of a football game? Absolutely. Do you need to shout this perverse pleasure from the mountaintop that is the urinal directly next to mine? Hell no. If anything coming out of your mouth can be mistaken for dialogue from a porn, then you need to close your yammering mouth immediately.
IV. Thou shalt not forget to look the stall door.
Most men’s bathrooms in bars don’t even have locks, so this commandment only applies in certain places. But. It’s. A. Doozy. The only thing worse than smelling a hammered guy taking a dump? Seeing a hammered guy taking a dump. Odds are, some liquored up idiot won’t remember to look for your feet underneath the door and will walk in and you’ll accidentally end up making the cringe-inducing eye contact.
V. Thou shalt keep track of thine own beer.
Personally, I’m not sure why so many dudes take their beers into the bathroom. If you worry someone might take your beer, you clearly don’t have any friends that can watch it for you and if you’re worried about missing out on drinking time, you clearly need rehab. However, in the off-chance that you have a legitimate excuse (i.e. you were standing at the bar, just got your beer and decided that since it was located so close to the bathrooms) then make sure that you keep track of your own beer. The last thing anyone wants is the backwashed hepatitis of some idiot that can’t remember if he was drinking Keystone Ice or just regular Keystone.
VI. Thou shalt respect the urinal buffer zone.
The urinal buffer zone is the standard practice by non-morons when using a public facility and requires that if there are three stalls, a guy should allow for one space between himself and the guy next to him. This cuts back on commandment #1 and all but guarantees that there’s no splash effect via commandment #2. The stall in the middle is like an international “no-fly” zone. Being there is a violation unless it’s an absolute emergency and you need to make a crash, water-landing.
Follow these commandments and everyone will have a better, safer, less-detrimental-to-hygiene trip to the Bathroom at their local bar.