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September 02, 2016
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Or else...

As a delivery room doctor, I’m used to giving a lot of advice. Normally it’s medical advice, like make sure your baby gets enough rest and that new mothers should ease back into their normal lifestyle. But this time I’m going to give some life advice: STOP NAMING YOUR DAMN BABIES HARAMBE!

If you’re naming a dead gorilla, then yeah, call it Harambe, but not with your human child. Give it a normal name like Steve or Rachel. Those are the names of my son and daughter, who, up until a few months ago when they got obsessed with Harambe, I used to love very much.

Here are some reasons not to name your freaking kid Harambe:

1. Everyone will pick on them at school.
2. Nobody will hire someone named Harambe.
3. A zookeeper may accidentally shoot them.
4. Good luck finding a novelty license plate with that name on it.5. They will hate you for their entire terrible lives and, in the end, kill you for vengeance.
6. A zookeeper may intentionally shoot them.

You know, I looked up what Harambe means? It’s Swahili for “a rallying cry.” Well if you want a rallying cry so much, here’s one:

THE NEXT PERSON WHO ASKS FOR THEIR KID TO BE NAMED HARAMBE, I’M GONNA WRITE DOWN HITLER! YOUR KID WILL BE NAMED HITLER! I WILL DO THIS!

And no I’m not just saying all of this because my name is Dr. Harambe and I want the name for myself.

That’s not why at all.

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