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July 28, 2010


Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco have joined an elite list of power couples this week.  Much like Beyonce and Jay-Z, Heidi and Spencer Pratt (trust me, I feel way less manly for even knowing who they are), and Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, these two NFL players have taken the plunge into team-mate-hood.  Terrell Owens, jobless and shameless, mere days ago has signed a 1-year deal with the Cincinnati Bengals worth 2 million dollars.  The 36-year-old wide receiver who played for the Buffalo Bills last season will join the notorious end-zone ballerina Chad Ochocinco as WR’s this fall.  The Bengals, who never seem to get tired of picking up players with more baggage than Paris Hilton on weekend spa trip, were in desperate need of another wide receiver to take some of the double teams and attention away from #85 on offense.  T.O. can probably manage that.  But will this marriage of two self-proclaimed Divas work out?  Will the teaming up of T.O. and Ocho be more “’03 Bonnie and Clyde” or more “Gigli?”

From a football standpoint, the move seems to make sense.  T.O. is not the former 1,300 yard receiver that he once was but Ocho still has some gas left in the tank.  At least if he didn’t wear himself too thin by attempting to pimp 85 women on his reality show this summer.  There’s little doubt as to the talent of QB Carson Palmer, if he can stay healthy and that’s a big “if”, and he could be primed for a big year if this little gamble pays off for the Bengals.

With T.O.’s arrival, the Bengals have now become the NFL’s first leper colony.  Owner and president Mike Brown appears ready to try to out-mercy Mother Teresa.  The Browns have either not cut immediately, or picked up,  such dead-to-the-rest-of-the-league problem children as Cedric Benson, Chris Henry, Rey Maualuga, Tank Johnson, and some more I can’t think of off the top of my spinning head.  For those of you keeping track that’s a boozer, a guy that fell to his death after jumping into his girlfriends pickup truck during a high-speed “domestic dispute”, a perv, and a guy who has been caught with more illegal weapons than T.I. and Lil Wayne combined, respectively.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.  The wretched refuse of your teeming shores.  Send these, the tempest-tost to me.”  This is the poem that sits at the feet of the Statue of Liberty.

Here’s the motto that should be on the outside of Bengals team offices.

“Give us your tried, your stoned, your tweenage-banging classless earning too much money.  The wretched dudes from Vh-1?s summer programming.  Send these, and their mug-shots to us.”

A bit much, I’ll be the first to admit, but still.

Another question that seems to be bouncing around the sporting world is whether or not Ocho and T.O. can co-exist on a team where there’s only a certain amount of touches to go around.  T.O.’s contract will allegedly be laden with money-making incentives which means that if he reaches certain goals he’ll get paid a good deal more money.  Will these two be able to fit their massive egos into a stadium that seats a mere 65,000?  Only time will tell.

Perhaps the most pressing concern for the Bengals is whether T.O. and Ocho will collaborate on their TD dances, or whether each will remain a solo act.  There’s little doubt that Ocho is the Axl Rose of antics in the endzone and the T.O. is the slash of slander when it comes to getting down in the endzone.  Will the two team their considerable talents together to form a modern-day supergroup?  Will T.O. background dance, be the K-Fed, to Ocho’s Britney?  These two dancing fools will undoubtedly attempt to coordinate some of their better moves and, rest assured, Roger Goodell will have his “to-fine” list ready and waiting.

Personally, I’m thrilled that the Bengals continue to compulsively gamble everything on guys that everyone else is too scared, or too smart, to lay off of.  In T.O.’s words, “Getcha’ Popcorn ready.”  In Chad’s words, “We’ll be like Siskel and Ebert.”  Which one of these receivers will play the role of “the dead guy” in this relationship?  We shall see.  Let it ride, Bengals.  Let it ride.


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