As ISIS continues to occupy the Iraqi city of Tikrit, the nation grows more and more willing to accept outside help in ousting the terrorist group. They’ve even gone as far as to invite the U.S. to provide air support in bombing the extremists. How has the U.S. military responded to the request? Their official reply is below:
Oh fuck yeah! Finally! I knew this would happen. At some point a country we bomb on the reg would be all, “You know what? We liked it.” You are serious, right? Cuz like, don’t start the lawn mower if you’re not ready to cut the grass. Oh dicks yeah! This is so sweet. This is amazing. This is easily the best moment in the entire history of America. And that’s counting that time we dropped two atomic bombs on a country AND GOT AWAY WITH IT! No, seriously, this is better than every one of these things from American history:
Constitution (even the first couple parts)
All the wars we won: England, Germany, ourselves, Germany again, Vietnam (Yeah, it counts), probably some South American soccer nation,and Iraq (Remember?!)
Completely pure and un-tampered with democracy
The 1992 Dream Team
Reagan, pre-being dead
Movies, especially Over The Top
Every Dave Matthews Band album – even Under The Table And Dreaming!
When Bush the prequel puked on that Japanese dude
The Fast and Furious franchise
The good parts of slavery (Obviously not the racist and terrible parts. Our B.)
Every time anybody has ever said, “Soccer sucks.”
The U.S. prison system (I mean, it’s slavery again, so there are probablygood parts again)
That time we got rid of your WMDs
REO Speedwagon’s 1982 Red Rocks concert
This is nuts! We can bomb more than just Tikrit, you know? No? Just that one city? Alright, alright, that’s still cool. I mean obviously if you change your mind, just say the word and we will bomb more things. Honestly, we would bomb our own stuff if we weren’t worried our bombs would get taken away as a result. Fuck, dude! We’re best friends now. You get that, right? We knew you were cool. You’re the only country we’ve bombed that was like, “Hey, why’d you stop?” Japan was all, “Please never do that again.” Ugh, listen to us. We’re talking about an ex when we’re bombing you. Uncool. We’re tight now, so I think it’s cool if we do this.
Puts on ‘Bombs OverBaghdad’ by Outkast
Great track. Hey, do you wanna invade some country your citizens don’t care about for fun? No dude, it’s so great. You get to just make stuff up about them and people get all behind it because if they don’t, you just call them unpatriotic. Then you get to wreck stuff. Oh man, we love wrecking stuff. This one time – you’re gonna love this story – this one time we went into this country that we could barely find on a map and just tore down this dumb, old statue of some mustache guy. Holy shit, that was you! Oh man. Wasn’t that awesome. We were all *gun noises* and the people were all *cheering noises* and then the statue was all *Falling over noises* and then boom, liberators. But you know. You were there. Oh hold up, I just got a text…
Checks cell phone
…we just destroyed like 8 hospitals and a pre-school. We’re still cool, right?