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December 04, 2014

An in-depth look at what causes girls to can't even and then literally die.

As of late there has been a huge movement amongst women that has been taking social media and the Internet by storm. I am talking about #ICantEven and #IAmLiterallyDying. It’s not to be taken lightly either. These hashtags have been relegated for use only in the most serious of situations.Starbucks brought back Pumpkin Spice, hashtags must be used. Fall is here,automatic use. The girl who is now dating your ex-boyfriend isn’t as good-looking as you? You just screenshot her to fifteen of your closest friends with #IAmLiterallyDying. If Marilyn Monroe were alive today and not just spread across the backdrop of a Glendale Forever 21, she too would consider changing her famous “if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything” mantra.


Weather is one of the leading causes to make a girl #CantEven.

“This weather, I can’t even.”

“It’s so hot my nail polish melted and smeared, I can’teven.”

But in order to cross the border to #LiterallyDying, mother nature must do something so heinous and irrevocable that girl’s around the world will throw their arms up in the air in unison. I’m talking about humidity,a girl’s worst nightmare.

Date didn’t call you back? *It was because of humidity ruined your hair.

Didn’t get that job you interviewed for? *Blames Humidity.

Your father has an affair and your mother files for divorce.*Humidity

“It is so humid, I am literally dying.”


A picture of an overweight cat that correlates to overconsumption of food after eating sushi from her fav restaurant, she can’t even.

A dog bundled in a nightgown to describe her Saturday night choice of not going out to the clubs, she can’t even.

A cute rabbit passed out in its cage to mirror her gym motivation, she definitely can’t even.

All of the above will most likely trigger an immediate #ICantEven, but if you want to get a girl to #LiterallyDie throw in any of the above animals in a video format. She will literally die spending all day watching these cute animals romp around, eat from the garbage or destroy your prescription drug stash. Also, don’t forget that whenever #IWokeUpLikeThis is attached to a picture of an animal doing something ridiculous, it’s an automatic #IAmLiterallyDying.


Throwback Thursday is a day in which the general population posts a picture from the past to their social media to implore thousands of“ohhs and awhs” from all their adoring followers and worst enemies who follow simply to keep that jealousy on lock. For female accounts it’s a day when#CantEven and #LiterallyDying surge significantly.

For example, a girl posts a picture of herself with the one bad haircut each girl was required to get sometime throughout her developmental years. This will ensue a subtext of hatred towards her mother for allowing the terrible trim to happen, followed by an #ICantEven for dramatic effect.

This said picture will immediately sound an alarm to said girlfriends (similar to the sounds individuals hear in warning before tornados and tsunamis) in which they will comment on #TBT bowl/penis haircut photo with an “I am literally dying” caption.


This includes a broad spectrum of reactions from our fellow female species. In order to incur a “can’t even” during a shopping experience a girl must be faced with some of the following life threatening dilemmas:

1.) A long line at checkout - after she literally tried on everything in the store to wait in a long line to leave the store, forcing her to hold her bounty in her arms for long amounts of time – she can’t even.

2.) Her size isn’t in stock – “try Sears.” #ICantEven

3.) Limit on number of items she can bring into a dressing room. She can’t even for any number below ten.

Now these are just three simple instances in which #CantEven is imposed in a commerce situation. In order to elicit the #LiterallyDying the temperature in the store must rise above 74 degrees. Adding heat to any shopping experience will be a sure fire way to make a girl say she is literally dying.


“Can we look at a menu?”

“Oh my God they have fish tacos.”

“And lettuce wraps.”

…She can’t even.

And in the off chance that the lovely ladies take a look at the desert menu and order something, well I think you know what that means.

“This is the best chocolate mousse I have ever had, if you don’t try some I will literally die.”

For an added bonus of #LiterallyDying upload a photo of said desert to Instagram using either the Valencia or X-Pro II for a noir effect.This will guarantee the owner of the Instagram account at least 2-6 #IAmLiterallyDying comments.


This is the holy grail of all “can’t even and literally dying” situations. Listen up fellas because you’ll want to pay close attention.

Any picture of a baby, or any baby in person is most likely to bring about a #ICantEven. Whether the baby is crying, sleeping, chubby,throwing up, flipping you off, whatever it may be - a girl will find a reason to look at that baby and in her mind say “Oh my God, I can’t even.”

Now, add a fun hat, a sarcastic t-shirt or a playful laughter – you’re getting really close… she’s almost dying.

Lastly, have a man hold that baby or a picture of a man holding a baby and you’ve reached your end goal. She is officially #LiterallyDying. And if you are not the father of that child you have just been granted access to ask for that girls cell phone, social security number and schedule for the next two weeks if she hasn’t already handed it to you in notarized format.Congratulations you got a girl to can’t even and then literally die.