You may not be ready for this week’s tweets yet, but you’re kids are gonna love ‘em.
Are You There God? It's Me, Your Cousin, Marvin God— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) April 9, 2017
Goofy [as an art critic]: gauche— miguel biguel (@MikeBigby) March 21, 2017
My Girl (1991): A hive of bees travel from the future to stop a girl from becoming a young, unwed mother.— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) January 10, 2017
I just made myself laugh thinking of a men's rights dude whining "When will it be 'Murder HE Wrote'"— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) April 5, 2017
14th CENTURY GUY: What kind of music do you like?— J.P. McDade (@jp_mcdade) April 7, 2017
OTHER 14th CENTURY GUY: I like the kind that there is.
Gwyneth Paltrow always looks like she's unwrapping a gift but she already knows what it is— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) April 5, 2017
Future told this boy "just like this plane you can spread your wings and fly"...this kid was Barack Obama who became the 44th president pic.twitter.com/d7D7OpPTur— Splash (@realivansplash) April 4, 2017
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) February 12, 2017
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can't*
Don't tell me the balls in my court, I don't want the ball, take it back, how did I even get on the court? I want to go home.— Jar Jar Bindz (@BindzBrain) April 10, 2017
Motherfuckers act like they forgot about 'Rachel Getting Married'— Melanie Lynskey (@melanielynskey) April 6, 2017
I've been sober for every second of Trump's presidency which I guess is sorta like kissing someone w/ ur eyes open & it's ur dad & he's dead— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) April 7, 2017
I picture Neil Gorsuch being like, "Mr. Gorsuch is my father. Call me Evil Tom Bergeron."— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) April 7, 2017
If you can’t handle me at my sudden failure of the speech center of my brain, you don’t clemency smap pineapple— Geeky Steven (@geekysteven) April 10, 2017
[at the park]— Ygrene (@Ygrene) April 10, 2017
SON: dad dad what's that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)
ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I wish I knew how to make mulch, how grate wood that be?— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) April 10, 2017
Jared Kushner's the kinda guy who yells, "Play Kokomo!" at a Beach Boys concert.— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) April 10, 2017
ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning— Cap'n Kal (@captainkalvis) March 28, 2017
ME: *pointing at the sky* DON'T. YOU. DARE.
LIFEHACK: Want to live rent-free? Book an escape room, and just act like you can't figure out how to leave, INDEFINITELY.— todd levin (@toddlevin) April 6, 2017
humans: we're gonna eat you— horny rae jepsen (@themiltron) April 8, 2017
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we'll eat those too
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) March 15, 2017
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Luke Cage does like 12 minutes on the Walgreen's greeting card aisle I was dying pic.twitter.com/yPncIjHkwC— Daniel "Kibblesmith" (@kibblesmith) April 9, 2017
ME: How bad is my stir fry injury, doc?— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) April 10, 2017
DR: I'm afraid you'll never wok again.
ME: This is devastating, my followers will hate this pun.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast— It's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) April 4, 2017
Welcome to Named After a Month Club. June welcome back. April good to see u. May, hows the kids? Danuary...nice try get out.— Steve Nards (@Karate_Horse) April 10, 2017
I'm writing a film abt a person who leaves Facebook w/out posting a monologue on Facebook abt why they're leaving Facebook.— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) April 9, 2017