Ladies and gentlemen, both covered in scales and skin, I thank you for gathering here today in the conference room of the splendorous San Diego Airport Hilton Hotel. I hope that you’re enjoying the horderves that have been provided by my colleagues. If they don’t suit your fancy, I apologize. We left the catering up to the dilophosaurs and, I’ll be honest with you sitting there in the front row, there’s a good chance that one of them spit in that martini. You might want to check it for some venomous black goo.
Just a joke, my human amigos and amigas! According to the copy of The Presentation Secrets of Steve Jobs that I found in Claire Dearing’s old office, I’m supposed to start business presentations off with a joke. Was that funny? OK, maybe not. Us Tyrannosaurus rexes aren’t too skilled when it comes to humor. Same goes for grammar. Should it be *we* Tyrannosaurus rexes? I don’t even know what the plural form of my species’ name is supposed to be.
What’s that, Blue? Oh, both the singular and plural are “Tyrannosaurus rex” according to Yahoo Answers? Good to know. Everybody, give Blue a round of applause. She’s getting pretty swift at using smartphones, if you couldn’t tell. You can teach an old velociraptor new tricks!
And that’s one of the reasons why I’ve asked you here this afternoon. You’ve all heard about the unfortunate series of events that recently befell Jurassic World, in addition to countless other regrettable incidents that occurred back in the ‘90s and early ‘00s at the original Jurassic Park and on Isla Sorna. On behalf of myself and my fellow dinosaurs, I deeply apologize for all of the mayhem we’ve caused over the past two decades.
But like Blue with her smartphone, we’re getting more tech savvy and we’re determined to improve our manners. We’re clever girls, huh? OK, some of us have actually mutated into boys but let’s not talk about that right now. TMI, am I right, folks?
We’d like to put the past behind us and we promise to never, ever terrorize another human being…especially if it means that you’ll invest in our bold new strategy for getting Jurassic World back up and running again!
Imagine, if you will, a fully functioning theme park featuring dinosaurs that’s operated by actual dinosaurs! No less than two groups of humans tried to keep the various Jurassic parks safe and secure…and we all know how that turned out, huh? What happened at Jurassic World this past June could have been completely avoided with increased dialog between us thunder lizards and management. If you ask me, all of that chaos and destruction was more of labor dispute than anything else.
Every dinosaur in this room has put up with conditions that would make the producers of Blackfish go running for their Sony F55 cameras. Plus, c’mon, wouldn’t you get cranky if you were stuck in a pen all day and had to eat live goats for breakfast, lunch and dinner while tourists took photos of you? Their tiny bones can cause a *lot* indigestion. Goat gas is a terrible, terrible thing, ladies and gentleman. Just ask my former neighbors over in Pen 22. Pee-yoo!Now I know what you’re all thinking, “Why should we trust a nine ton T. rex that has eaten or stepped on no less than twenty people?” Hey, we can all change, right? Let’s see some hands in the air. How many of you are currently in Alcoholics or Narcotics Anonymous? I thought so.
Believe it or not, I did some soul searching after I kicked that Indominus rex’s butt and triumphantly roared on a helipad back in June. I’m now a vegan, as are all of my fellow carnivores. I’ve even personally apologized to the widow of Donald Gennaro. Not only are we now Facebook friends, she even follows my Instagram account! I’ve also already spoken with both the primary shareholders and upper brass over at InGen. They’re all totally cool with this plan, I swear.
Do you doubt our ability to change our natural desire to rip the….I mean, wicked ways? Look around you. Do you see any of us tearing across the room to sink our razor sharp teeth into that plump, juicy and oh so succulent Gallimimus serving drinks at the bar? What I wouldn’t give to tear the meat right off her….
…where was I? Oh, right! Business stuff! If you give us lots and lots of your human money, we can have Jurassic World fully operational in time for the second quarter of 2016. We’ve already got the Margaritaville and Samsung Innovation Center all tidied up. Turns out that the Pterosaurs are pretty good at replacing Plexiglass windows. Who knew? That’s why we’re going to put them in charge of maintenance.
We’ve got everything figured out down to the finest detail. The stegosauri are going to run the Starbucks and I tried one of their Frappuccinos yesterday. ¡Muy sabroso! That crazy hamster ball attraction? The Edmontosaurs have worked out all of the kinks. Oh, and we heard about the controversy surrounding Hasboro’s decision to make all of their toy JW dinosaurs male. We’re currently in the process of finding a manufacturer willing to crank out anatomically correct girl dinos for the gift shops on the island.
Oh, and remember Owen Grady? He was going to quit and run off to become an actor in Hollywood. Something about trying to become the next Indiana Jones. Pfffft, as if! Well, we lured him back and he’s putting together a Cirque du Soleil style show with the surviving raptors that is totally going to rock your socks off! The big stunt at the end? They ride around on the back of the Mosasaurus as it leaps through the gate from the original Jurassic Park!
Of course, I’ll be in charge of everything and I’ve already decided on a title for myself: Supreme Dinosaur Overlord of Operations. What, you don’t can handle the job?! I convinced my girlfriend to mutate into a male so we could breed! YOU DON’T THINK I CAN RUN A THEME PARK, IS THAT IT? DIOS MIO! I WILL PERSONALLY BITE THE HEADS OFF OF EVERY SINGLE MAN, WOMAN AND GIGANTIC SCIENTIFIC ABOMINATION IN THIS CONFERENCE R……sorry! Sorry!
(keep it together. Who’s a clever girl? *You’re* a clever girl. Remember the pointers in Claire’s anger management book. Count to diez. Uno….dos….tres…..qua….)
OK, I’m all better now, folks! I’ve really been stressed out lately and trying to run this PowerPoint presentation while holding these notecards with these ridiculous little arms is really tough. Whew!
So, before we start the Q&A, I just want to offer you my sincere promise that this is not all a deceptive scheme to pick the bones of each and every one you clean during our grand re-opening. Plus, if you give us enough money, we’ll even get rid of all of those annoying product placements!
OK, first question! “What do I think about Chaos Theory”? Ian Malcom can stuff that dumb theory right up his little tight butt. Next one!