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March 01, 2016
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What if these Oscar nominees weren't famous? Below we speculate.

What If These Oscar Nominees Weren’t Famous?… Below we speculate.

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SYLVESTER STALLONE

Alternative Career: A trainer at your local Gold’s Gym. After his shift he stays around to lift, making sure to drop his weights really loudly in between sets. You think he might sell steroids on the side. You know he makes you feel bad for using the hip-abductor machine.

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MATT DAMON

Alternative Career: The golf pro at your local course. He doesn’t help your swing much, but he’s super fun to hang out with so you pay for lessons anyway.

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LEONARDO DiCAPRIO

Alternative Career: Professional baccarat player. I don’t really know what baccarat is but somehow it sounds classy and sleazy at the same time, the perfect game for Leo to master.

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JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Alternative Career: Elementary school teacher. She doesn’t really care about kids, or education, but she loves that she gets three months off. She still goes to Lake Havasu for spring break even though she finished college three years ago.

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EDDIE REDMAYNE

Alternative Career: A grad student in Comparative Religion that runs Ultra-marathons on the side. The bumper of his Subaru is loaded down with those obnoxious oval decals that brag about how far he ran.

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CATE BLANCHETT

Alternative Career: Stay at home mom that ardently supports attachment parenting, and judges you if you don’t. She breast feeds her kids until they start first grade, only eats organic, artisanal, fair-trade food,and spends her free time deconstructing our patriarchal society.

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CHRISTIAN BALE

AlternativeCareer: The old frat brother that still comes back to party at the house even though he graduated in the 90’s. He’s creepy but there’s normally at least one undergrad girl at each party that will sleep with him because they drank too much and he aged well. His small talk topics include: workout supplements, cars,and what they did to pledges back in his day.

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TOM HARDY

Alternative Career: Head of the local Teamsters Union. He uses “class struggle” as an excuse to get into bar fights.

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KATE WINSLET

Alternative Career: Your boss. Sometimes you make small mistakes on purpose in the hopes that she will yell at you. It’s hot when she yells at you.

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BRYAN CRANSTON

Alternative Career: An uber successful cardiologist. He brings his super hot wife to all the American College of Cardiology meetings. She’s twenty-five years younger than him. They don’t have kids.

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AMY POEHLER

Alternative Career: Head of the National Parks department. Let’s be real, she would be Leslie Knope.

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ROONEY MARA

Alternative Career: That barista that gets mad at you when you ask for a to-go cup but then end up staying. Her artwork is displayed all over the coffee shop. She never sells any of it.

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SAOIRISE RONAN

Alternative Career: Runs an owl sanctuary, or a staff writer for The Quibbler.

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MARK RYLANCE

Alternative Career: A far-left leaning political activist. One of the handful of people over 50 at the Bernie Sanders rally. He should be past his idealist phase but he’s not.

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PHYLISS SMITH

Alternative Career: Your friend’s mom. The one that bakes something every time the group hangs out at her house. She has no idea that you all smoke weed in her basement. She should, but she doesn’t.

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CHARLOTTE RAMPLING

Alternative Career: A psychologist with questionable ethics. She would re-run the Stanford Prison Experiment and the Milgram Experiment just for kicks. She contemplates how to use the findings of such experiments to take over the world— basically she’s a human version of Pinky from Pinky and the Brain.

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MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Alternative Career: Super sexy stay-at-home dad. When he’s at the park with his kids, all the stay-at–home mom’s flirt with him in an unapologetic fashion. The fact that he is polite but not flirtatious in return makes them want him even more.

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