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June 17, 2015

The new Harry Potter movie is going to take place in America, but J.K. Rowling cast Eddie Redmayne and Katherine Waterston, British actors, as the leads. To make up for it, she's making sure the rest of her characters are super American.


Now that there are finally some American wizards in the ‘Harry Potter’ universe, they darn well be VERY American.

Warner Brothers revealed this week that British-born actress Katherine Waterston will play Porpentina, the female lead — and first American character — in the new Harry Potter movie. She’ll star alongside Eddie Redmayne, who will play Newt Scamander, the fictional author of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

J.K. Rowling wants to double down on the other American characters, making them full-on patriots of the red, white, and blue (or stars and stripes) (or specifically NOT the Union Jack, if you need me to spell it out for you). Here’s a sneak peek into the other American wizards that J.K. Rowling has planned for the upcoming film.

Butchward Southslope

Butchward is Porpentina’s best friend, expert in potions, and huge fan of McDonald’s. He lives with her in New York City and has perfected his mugweed potion. It helps him stay awake during his interminable day job as a project-management consultant (hey, magic alone can’t pay the rent in New York City), but more importantly, it has him obsessed with how McDonald’s French fries taste so good. He can’t quite “figure” the potion of it, and has ended up a solid 415 lbs. after tasting and trying Big Macs so many times. No matter how many belly-busting spells he does, he can’t quite shake the weight.

Tiffy Camden

Tiffy is Newt’s love interest. Tiffy, much like Mr. Weasley from the original Harry Potter series, loves Muggle artifacts. Or, more specifically, guns. She loves guns. She doesn’t duel — she just shoots her enemies. Tiffy will spend most of the upcoming film quoting Gamp’s Second Wizarding Law, which states that wizards are allowed to bewitch Muggle artifacts if it’s for self-defense.

Laura McDooglephall

Laura is a jovial witch and Porpentina’s landlord. She was formerly a world-famous quidditch star, but can’t really get her brain around much these days. American quidditch is different from the European and South American version — it’s contact. Fewer quaffles, more direct punches to the head. Laura suffered a few too many concussions in her day, and the NQL (National Quidditch League) has all but forgotten her now that she’s no longer useful to them.

Bradley Huntington

Bradley is Porpentina’s one black friend. Unfortunately we don’t see him in much of the film. He’s in prison for protesting the death of another black wizard who was shot from behind by police after accidentally apparating in front of their squad car.

Celeste Strongbone

Celesete is Porpentina’s sister, and struggles to pay her magical medical bills. After being diagnosed with wand-finger cancer, she lost her barista job at Starbucks when she missed too much work due to her magical chemotherapy. Now she doesn’t have magical health insurance. Celeste is in massive debt and in risk of losing her home, as it’s not possible to magic away mounting medical bills. Remember, this film takes place long before the Magical Obamacare laws existed.

Grampley Winger

Grampley is the villain of the film, and head of the Wizarding Division of the NSA. He invented a sightless, soundless floo powder that allows him to keep track of all the wizards and witches in the United States. He’ll break any wizarding law to keep tabs on the citizens, all under the guise of keeping them “safe” from Grindlewald. He’s also a devout Christian.