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January 10, 2012

Topical monologue jokes from the week of 1/9/12, and some older ones.

  • Sinead O’Connor, who was divorced due to buying crack on her wedding night, says she and her husband are back together as boyfriend and girlfriend.  Although this could be unreliable info, due to her BEING ON CRACK.
  • This week Facebook debuted their new feature “Timeline,” which allows users to look back at all the major events in one’s life.  Yeah, I can’t wait to see Casey Anthony’s. 
  • Tiger Wood’s ex-wife plowed down their old $12 million mansion.  Meanwhile, Tiger Woods plowed 12 strippers. 
  • The ratings for the season premiere of Jersey Shore went down for the first time in history.  What now, Harold Camping?!
  • FOX says that they are considering not renewing Ryan Seacrest's American Idol contract.  It's a good thing that Seacrest took his parent's advice and got those 143 other jobs to fall back on.
  • In Ohio, a man stabbed another man for not knowing that Jay-Z and Beyonce are married.  I’m doing alright, but I’ve got to say that getting stabbed does hurt. 
  • Budweiser plans to introduce a high alcohol content version of Bud Light that will come in a blue bottle.  These plans were complicated this week when Jay-Z and Beyonce named their newborn baby.  Take a look:
  • French fast food chain Quick introduced a Star Wars Darth Vader themed burger which contains a dark black bun.  Here is some exclusive footage of someone tasting the burger: http://youtu.be/ATYJx3x0nyo?t=2m14s
  • Taco Bell has come out with a new menu item called the "Taco 12 Pack."  It contains 12 tacos and even comes with a new Fruitista Freeze beverage:
  • They add the Pepto so you don't have to!  Oh, looks like there's some footage of someone consuming the 12 pack: http://youtu.be/ATYJx3x0nyo?t=2m16s
  • In TV news, “Punk’d” is getting a reboot and “Work It” debuted to outstandingly negative reviews.  Hey, how do we know “Work It” isn’t just a prank on the rebooted “Punk’d”?
  • Lady Gaga was seen out on the town with her new boyfriend this week.  You may have seen him on TV, he's Kim Jong Ill’s Dead Corpse.
  • Dunkin’ Donuts announced plans to double it’s number of American locations, and in turn, double the average American pant size. 
  • At a campaign stop in New Hampshire, Mitt Romney and Chris Christie were heckled by the crowd.  The crowd chanted “Mitt Kills Jobs” and “Christie Kills Taco Bell 12 Packs.”
  • After hearing the chant “Mitt Kills Jobs,” Chritie responded “Something may go down tonight, but it’s sure as hell not going to be jobs OR MY WEIGHT!”

Older Jokes

  • Michael Jackson’s death bed is for sale on eBay, or at least that’s what I’m calling that dirty mattress I found in the back alley.
  • Former porn star Sasha Grey shocked parents when she read to a group of elementary schoolers.  The parents were like “Pornstars can read?”
  • A man searched for hours at a dump to find his wife’s lost wedding ring.  It’s not as bad when you consider that the dump was Walmart.
  • The first beer specifically brewed for dogs, Bowser Beer, debuted this week.  Dogs are describing it as “a lot like Coors Light.”
  • At a Maryland Applebee’s, an African American server claims that she was only allowed to serve tables with black people.  Even worse, no black people eat at Applebee’s. 
  • Hulk Hogan is getting divorced from his wife.  It's been determined that his wife will receive 70% of his money, along with 70% of his hair.
  • Demi Moore is divorcing husband Ashton Kutcher.  It turns out that she was more focused on work, while he was more focused on hot tub orgies.