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November 22, 2016
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1. He's wearing a fedora and leather jacket, the official uniform of "oh God please take me back."

On today’s episode of “The Earliest Show,” the morning talk show with all the fun of vintage ‘Live! with Regis and Kelly’ and all the existential angst of a Samuel Beckett play, Josh looks like he finally might be getting back on his feet after he got straight-up dumped on live TV. He’s dancing! He’s singing! He’s not instigating physical altercations with famous celebrity guests!

But look a little closer and you realize that Josh has only just reached the “bargaining” stage of his grief. With a little help from whatever is in that coffee mug he’s toting around with him everywhere he goes, the poor guy has convinced himself that he still has a shot with a woman who has probably already set up a Bumble profile.

1. Josh is wearing a leather jacket and a fedora, the official uniform of desperation.

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And just look at that smile! He’s barely forcing it at all!

A fedora is almost always the sartorial manifestation of some inner identity crisis. Does a guy in a fedora look like he cares about losing the love of his life? No way! He’s clearly too busy relaxing to jazz vinyls and playing pool in faux-dive bars to care about having to basically start his life over! A fedora screams “this is the new me,” then it breaks down crying and you have to let it sleep at your place because it doesn’t want to be alone.

2. Josh keeps trying to shimmy on over to the Social Wall.

From the very top of the show, Josh has got a serious case of ants-in-the-pants, but I have no idea why he’s in such a rush to get to the Social Wall. Usually all of the posts are just confused grandmothers trying to text their sons. Something’s not right…

What is it boy? A fire? At the ol’ Social Wall presented by Cap'n Crunch?!

Josh doesn’t even take the time to call BS on today’s “big scoop.” According to Producer Marc, the man who once reported that rainbows were invented, the newest epidemic afflicting our nation’s teenage population is “popping and dropping.” Apparently, kids are lying down and then standing up real quick to try and make themselves faint?

I guess it’s not that far-fetched. Teens will always find new ways to party. Man, there’s gotta be a way that we can put that ingenuity to better use. I bet we’d already have put a man on Mars if we just told a couple high-school juniors that we thought there was good herb up there.

3. Josh “dances it out” in the middle of the show.

Was there over a minute of Josh just free-styling in this episode? Yes. Did I mind it? Not. one. bit. This is by far his best dance break yet. And that’s saying a lot. Josh already has the kinds of moves that would attract a circle of tipsy aunts at any wedding reception.

Yes, Josh! You are not your mistakes! You are not that dumb leather jacket!

But anyone who has ever watched a Robyn video knows that there is no better dancer than a broken-hearted dancer. I feel like someone should tell him that all the shimmying and popping in the world won’t bring Emily back, but I also don’t want him to stop.

These hips don’t lie: Josh is a mess.

4. Josh set up an online poll to see if people think he can win Emily back.

So this is what Josh was trying to get to all this time? A twitter poll about the prospects of rebuilding his shattered love life? I guess Josh turned to the internet in the hopes of finding some non-liquid encouragement, but the results are in and they do not look good.

Don’t listen to ‘em, Josh! Go with your gut! One thing this past election has taught us is that you can’t trust the polls. It’s taught us a bunch of other stuff too, but that’s too depressing to think about right now.

5. Celebrity guest Jane Levy and Josh do some therapeutic role-playing…and it ends even worse than his real relationship.

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How do you know a celebrity really cares? They don’t. even. plug.

Since the conversation is already mainly focused on Josh’s emotional state and not her upcoming projects, Jane offers to pretend to be Josh’s ex and give him a chance to talk through his feelings. You’d think that having Sam play Josh’s grandpa Louie might be a distraction in this scenario, but it actually helps point out some of the bigger issues Josh needs to work on. Josh is focused on winning back Emily, he’s totally ignoring the reality around him, whether it’s Jane telling him that he needs to work on himself or Louie screaming about his “hole” hurting.

No one ever said the healing process would be pretty.

So I guess it’s no surprise that at the end of the exercise, Jane still turns down Josh’s proposal and that Louie has died from drinking pee instead of coffee.

6. Josh is totally cool with the fact that TES’s fitness expert secretly lives in somebody’s house.

It’s pretty obvious Katie Veal came up with the idea for her “tiny workouts” because she doesn’t want the family she’s obsessed with to find out that she’s set up residency (and staying fit!) in their hall closet. Her routine includes moves like “Going Through The Family Trash,” “Putting Up The Pictures You Stole,” and “Don’t Knock Over The Pee Bucket,” but that doesn’t seem to phase ol’ Josh one bit!

This one’s called “Punching Closet Rats In The Neck!”

However, when Katie Veal has everyone get low and take a knee, the realness of his failed proposal hits him like mop bucket full of urine.

This one’s called “She’s Never Coming Back!.”

Do you think Josh is face down on the floor because he needs to recover from his “Tiny Workout” or because he’s reached a catatonic state of depression?

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And this one is called “I Will Never Be Whole Again!”

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