Today I interview a wicked funny, wicked cute, wicked rad, 29 year old actor/comedian/writer gal named Janice from Williamsburg, Brooklyn. She's currently writing a one woman comedy show and she's just moved in with her long time boyfriend. We'll try and find out how scared shitless she is about these things and more. Here it is.
Time Machine: What do you do?
TM: What do you do for a living?
J: I'm an actor, writer, and comedian
TM: Do you want to be a movie star?
TM: I like the honesty
TM: Would you dump your boyfriend for fame and/or Ashton Kutcher?
J: Definitely not Kutcher. Fame (small pause), I can get there on my own. Keep boyfriend.
TM: Is Ashton funny?
TM: What does he do?
J: He's gonna be on that crap sitcom 2 1/2 men. A sitcom is perfect for him.
TM: Is he the 1/2 man?
J: Ya. He also takes care of his step children that are like 3 years younger.
TM: I was hoping you'd say he takes care of an old lady.
TM: When are you getting married?
J: I'm 29 and we're poor, so not any time soon. Honestly, I never wanted to until I met my boyfriend. I want a proper wedding, not bridezilla, but a wedding a girl deserves. I wanna wait til we can do it right.
TM: Do you have sex with your boyfriend?
J: Duh. Yes.
TM: Do you have anal sex with your boyfriend?
J: Hell no. I'm not comfortable with things in my butt.
TM: Of course. Would you consider pegging him?
J: What's that?
TM: Would you do him in the butt with a strap on?
J: I don't like mixing poo with sex, but I do like the idea of fucking him. Maybe in the mouth.
TM: (Boomtown and high five in my head)
TM: How do you feel about cuckolds?
J: What's that?
TM: A cuckold is a guy that watches his wife or girlfriend have sex with another man.
J: God no. Maybe another chick.
TM: Correct answer
TM: How many dudes have you banged?
J: I don't know. Maybe 20-30. I had some slutty years in there. A lot of blackouts.
TM: So multiply that by 3?
TM: Do you hate your boyfriend's family?
J: Occasionally. Their too involved. Way too many cousins.
TM: What's his worst trait?
J: Acne, it's not that bad, but I like to pop his zits anyway. Really though, he procrastinates too much.
TM: That's nasty. What's your worst trait?
J: I'm stubborn
TM: Why are you terrified of commitment?
J: My parents are divorced. My dad twice. I feel like I have plenty of time to take that step.
TM: Do you want children?
J: Maybe if I'm rich. I don't want to struggle with children. If you raise kids in the city it's so expensive. I want to be comfortable financially before I have kids.
TM: Do you have any pets? Actually, I don't care.
TM: So what are you working on right now?
J: I'm writing a one woman show.
TM: What's it about?
J: That's tough to explain. It has a lot of moving pieces. The best way to describe it is Sex in the City by someone that hates Sex in the City. I talk a lot about people, mainly douchebags, in the city.
TM: That sounds awesome.
TM: How long have you lived with your boyfriend?
J: He moved in last week. But we're looking for a place together for July.
TM: Holy shit. This could be a disaster. You don't even know yet.
J: We'll be fine once we get a new place, but right now it's a little tight. It's been hot as shit, we have no AC and he's been sick and sweaty. I also have 2 cats and 2 other room mates. So the first few nights I came home late from work he wanted to have sex and I had to shoot his sweaty, sick ass down. It's not a sexy situation right now.
TM: Shot down out of the sky. I love it.
TM: Who does the cooking?
J: He does mostly. We have an agreement. I do the laundry and he does the cooking. He makes extravagant dinners all the time. It's too much. I don't like all the dishes.
TM: So you're lazy
J: Yes. But, I do two peoples laundry every week. He has like 7 underwear's. For some reason he won't buy new ones. I'm constantly cleaning his underwear.
TM: I can respect that. The only time I get new undies is when my mom puts them in my stocking every 5 years. I still have my fat guy boxers. There like size 40. You could use them as a sleeping bag.
J: His laundry stinks too. He just got a job at a restaurant that cooks burgers and fries all the time. He smells like burgers then I smell like burgers. It smells like me when I was 16.
TM: You smelled like burgers in high school?
TM: What or who really annoys you?
TM: Perfect answer. Dead on.
TM: Do all women hate each other?
J: (Very, very long pause) Yes, unless they've been through a lot of therapy.
TM: Have you ever dumped a dead hookers body at Jones Beach?
J: No. I don't like blood
TM: You could strangle them.
J: Then the eyes would pop out of their heads. Eww.
TM: Well that clears that up.