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March 18, 2009


Introduction: The following is a news story written by Ivan O’Uris as a foreign correspondent in the United States for the Luscian O’Buenklava. Published on Feb. 31, 2000, it was published again (with some alterations) in March 2000 in BGM Online. In a related note, the article sparked a heated e-mail exchange over whether it would be blasphemous for Vince McMahon (a.k.a., “Mr. McMahon”) to wrestle a 2,500-pound of limburger cheese carved into a crucifix while screaming, “If I want to pretend to be the archbishop of Canterbury and yodel ‘Kumbaya’ while I take out the trash and mop the floors, it’s my own damn business!”

Technically, BGM Online exists – that is, the domain name bgmonline.com exists. However, if you type that into your toolbar or click on a link to it, you get the page Toilethumorjokes.com and a screwed-up looking URL in your toolbar, so you probably shouldn’t go there. Besides, you might see footage of Vince McMahon wrestling a 2,500-pound of limburger cheese shaped like a crucifix, although that seems doubtful.

WAG hires religious wrestlers to clean up its act

By Ivan O’Uris

Luscian O’Buenklava Correspondent

MEMPHIS, Tenn., United States – After being criticized for its excessive profanity and violence, the World Association of Grapplers (WAG) has announced plans to include some of the world’s best openly devout religious wrestlers in its stable of professional wrestlers.

“Maybe this’ll finally get those whiny @*?!!-# off our backs, so we don’t have to kick their *(?@$%!,” an anonymous WAG spokesperson said.

To reduce the violence, the WAG will feature the non-violent Quaker Quarry. A journeyman professional wrestler, Quarry is 0-412-1, his one career tie coming from wrestling another Quaker. Rumor has it he’s related to ex-boxer Jerry Quarry, who did about as well in boxing as Quaker Quarry has done in wrestling.

The WAG also hopes to be gender-inclusive by featuring 62-year-old Mean Mother Mercy, a three-time winner of the St. Crusher Award, an annual award given out by the Episcopal Wrestling Association that’s named after the patron saint of pro wrestling. Mercy, who also manages the Arrogant Acolyte and the Belligerent Bishop, is known for inventing the Crucifier, her maneuver of pummeling opponents on the head with a wooden cross. Her other noted move is the Knuckle Knocker, a maneuver she perfected during the 1950s while teaching at an all-boys Catholic high school.

In keeping with her switch from Catholicism to Anglicanism, Mercy is perfecting a new move, the Coffee Hour Calamity, in which she turns her opponent into a human doughnut and dunks him into an 8-foot cup filled with freshly brewed decaffeinated coffee.

To expand the organization’s outreach to as many faiths and denominations as possible, the WAG also has signed Jamaica’s Rankin’ Rastafarian, whose patented move is to blow ganja smoke in a foe’s face and pin him as his foe giggles helplessly from a contact high. Demands from wrestlers for matches with the Rankin’ Rastafarian are overwhelming, said the anonymous spokesman.

In addition, the WAG has signed Japan’s Bodhisattva Buddhist Brawler, who has become famous in Asia for his cerebral technique of perplexing opponents into surrendering by asking them such philosophical questions as “If a tree falls in the forest, is it clumsy?”

Wrestlers in negotiations with the WAG include Ragin’ Rabbi Rabinowitz, the Baptist Bulldozer, the Pentecostal Pinmaster, the Masked Methodist Mauler, the Pagan Pulverizer and the brother-sister tag team of Agnostic and Atheist Anderson.

To those critics who claim the effort is blasphemous and is only another attempt to make money in the name of religion, the Pentecostal Pinmaster counters by insisting that religion and wrestling have often intertwined. As proof, the inventor of the Spirit Slayer hold cites the story of Samson slaying a slew of Philistines with a donkey’s jawbone in the Old Testament, a move he claims is a predecessor to the chair-bashing move often used in modern professional wrestling.

“So say, ‘Amen,’ and let’s rumble,” he said.


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