Ed note- I wrote this a couple years ago and actually mailed it. The Boss never called me. Torre did end up leaving and Cashman is hanging on by a tread- that will snap should the Bombers not make the playoffs this year (and that's likely).
Mr. George Steinbrenner
New York Yankees
East 161st St. at River Rd.
Bronx, NY 10451
Dear Mr. Steinbrenner:
I am aware through various media sources that you will soon be in the market for a new General Manager. While I like Brian Cashman, I agree with you that he was not up to par. Not winning the series trophy with a $210 million payroll is unacceptable. I’m personally able to consistently win Wiffle Ball games in my yard on $3.
I also hear you may need a new Manager to replace Joe Torre. I do not want that job as the GM can fire that person and I, like you, prefer to be ‘The Boss’
I would like to offer my services to fill your void.
I will be honest and say I don’t root for the Yankees. Quite the contrary, I actually can’t stand them. Despise is probably more appropriate. However, for the right price I can lie through my teeth and put enough #2 jerseys in my closet to make even Derek envious.
I consider myself qualified for many reasons.
First, I know the ‘buzzwords’-
Although I cannot afford to attend games anywhere due to my extended unemployment ‘off season’ of several years on the ‘inactive list’, I do watch your games on the cable that I ‘steal’.
I once gave Alex Rodriguez a ‘sign’ to ‘swing away’. His return ‘sign’ advised me to ‘run’ as his bodyguards were planning to ‘squeeze bunt’ me.
I know all the really good ‘vitamin stores’ so players like Jason Giambi can stay ‘healthy’.
I know how to tip your concession folks to get an extra packet of Gulden’s.
I would not force Randy Johnson to wear a Big Bird suit unless, of course, it was at a party for one of your grandkids.
I can make David Ortiz cry by playing ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ (Midler version) while trading for Manny Ramirez.
I lead the ’82 Cardinals over Milwaukee to win the World Series when George Hendrick homered with 2 outs in the 9th in game seven. It was a Strat-o-Matic shot heard ‘round the world.
The $7 beers I chug in one gulp can be raised to $8.50, increasing your bottom line.
I would eliminate all clubhouse attendants and force John Sterling to wash the jock straps. First year return, approximately $50,000.
Finally, should the need arise, I can multi task. I can dress up like Kate Smith, sing ‘God Bless America’, and do the YMCA dance on the infield. I would think your grounds crew could stand a break.
Look Mr. S, you had the good common sense to hire George Costanza. With that kind of foresight, I should be a shoe-in. I strongly identify with both Mr. Costanza and his alter ego Larry David, minus some of the neurotic behavior (although I can throw a great tantrum after a crucial loss).
Thank you for the consideration. Please be advised that I have also contacted several other MLB clubs and expect an offer shortly. The Mets are already waiting for my answer. I’m just hesitant to sell cotton candy in the stands as I do not want the liability of the tooth decay it causes.