The following op-ed was written by the anonymous woman who was at the center of a much-publicized rift between the rappers Lil Wayne and Drake. Here, in her own words, is her side of the story.


Hello. As you may have heard, excerpts of Lil Wayne’s upcoming autobiography have leaked, particularly a passage in which he and the rapper Drake squash a beef after Drake visits Riker’s Island and admits to an incarcerated Weezy that he had had sex with the same woman that Lil Wayne had previously been intimate with — namely, me. Yes, I am the woman who slept with Drake and Lil Wayne.

While my liaisons with both rap men initially caused some resentment between them, they apparently rekindled their friendship by publicly disparaging me and referring to me as both a “ho” and a “dog.” Of course, they buried the lede in regard to all this, and I’d like to set the record straight. The real story here is that Lil Wayne and Drake both have tiny dicks.

I’m an adult woman, and I’ll admit it, I’ve made some bad choices in my life. Perhaps chief among them was sleeping with two tiny-dicked rappers who talked about me like I was property. Do I wish I could take it back? I do, and not just because they’re both misogynistic idiots. Mostly, I would take it back because of how sad their tiny dicks made me.

So, so sad. I kind of want to cry, thinking about their tiny, sad dicks.

And speaking of crying, Drake cries during sex. But did I even need to tell you that? He’s a Canadian pretend-rapper with a tiny dick — of course he cries during sex. But maybe not for the reasons you think he does. It’s actually because he’s so grateful that anyone wants anything to do with his crooked, tiny, dusty dick.

Drake cries and cries and cries, out of sheer gratitude that you’re even looking at his dick. Even if you laugh out loud at his tiny dick, he is still grateful.

Also,Weezy’s dick looks pretty much exactly like Weezy’s face — sort of like a shriveled mummy, covered in bad tattoos. This is where I have to confess that I don’t even know if Lil Wayne’s dick is that tiny. Maybe he’s a grower, for all I know. But do you have any idea what sizzurp (purple drank) does to you, in terms of erectile dysfunction? That thing’s like a wrinkly stack of dimes, and nothing on heaven or earth can change that, with all the chemicals he’s got in there.

Try imagining someone attempting to mush that tiny, creepy little wiener into you, and then try not to barf.

I understand how all this might seem like sour grapes to you. I get slut-shamed in the press by two powerful, incredibly wealthy celebrities, and then I put Lil Wayne and Drake on blast for their tiny dicks. So yes, maybe that’s true, on some level. But mostly, I just wanted to offer the public a more complete picture of the two icons. Doesn’t this explain so much, after all? All the posturing and blatant, weird homoeroticism? Don’t you feel like you understand these men and their tiny, weird dicks just a little bit better?

Drake also has one huge testicle that looks like Bill Cosby’s face. Peace.

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