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November 12, 2014
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In a desperate attempt to end wealth inequality in America, here are a bunch of rewards we are willing to give rich people that give up their fortunes.

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A new study has found that inequality in the U.S. has reached record levels. The top 0.1% of Americans now hold nearly as much wealth as the bottom 90%. That means about 160,000 families have more than the 300 million rest of us combined.


I have a proposal. Now, yes, some of the top .1% of Americans are hardworking people doing amazing things. Elon Musk, keep doing your thing, man. You’re spending your cash taking great risks on awesome new projects. Warren Buffet and Bill Gates, you figured out how to make a ton of money but have acknowledged that it doesn’t mean you are a better person than anyone and now you work hard to dispense it back to good causes that need it. That’s awesome, thanks dudes. But then there are the Shitty Rich out there (similar to the filthy rich, but more morally depraved). These are the heirs and heiresses that were born into vast wealth without doing a damn thing, the people that spend their money influencing government so they can keep as much as possible. The Kochs, the Waltons, the Marses, the Hiltons.

To all you Shitty Rich, we are prepared to make an ultimatum: Give up your cash and we will provide you with some nice rewards that allow you to keep the perks of being a rich person but without screwing up our economy and creating an American underclass. It doesn’t matter where your money goes, what is important is you start hemorrhaging it in the direction of the 90% of America that needs it.

It’s simple. Just consult the chart below to see what perks we are prepared to give you if you lose your money.


REWARDS FOR GIVING UP YOUR MONEY

$1 Million - A special red hat allowing you to continue assuming all well-dressed black men are your Uber driver.

$5 Million - A card giving you lifetime membership to the secret parts of airports where they give you the booze and nice bathrooms.

$7 Million - This is what you should have paid in back taxes anyway, asshole. No reward.

$10 Million - Every one of your children will be admitted to Boston College.

$15 Million - Nice gift baskets every Christmas. No apples, like the good stuff.

$25 Million - You can walk up to any citizen over the age of 18 demand a hand job, which you shall receive, no questions asked.

$50 Million - An Oscar-bait-y Hollywood movie will be made about your life story. It will portray you as an intelligent, driven but ultimately flawed American that we can all learn from but still be proud of.

$55 Million - The above movie will contain a great sex scene.

$75 Million - You receive a special medallion alerting all hotel staff that if they see you with a hooker, they gotta be cool about it.

$100 Million - You will receive a well-compensated trophy wife until you are 50 (can be given to a son).

$200 Million - A well compensated 2nd, younger trophy wife for after you are 50 (can be given to a son).

$250 Million - You can throw your garbage wherever you want forever.

$500 Million - Unlimited shrimp cocktail–adjacent conversations with the congressman of your choice for the rest of your life.

$750 Million - You get to kill one whale. Any species.

$1 Billion - The President of the United States will always refer to you as a “good friend.”

$2 Billion - The President of the United States will always refer to you as “the one that got away.”

$5 Billion - 1 Get-Your-Idiot-Kid-Out-Of-The-Accidental-Killing-Of-A-Member-Of-The-Underclass Card.

$10 Billion - You can just lay down in the middle of the street and all your biological functions will be attended to.

$20 Billion - History books will declare you were our 42nd President and all living Americans will be instructed to remember you as such.

$50 Billion - A very smart but shy child will shake your hand and tell you that you are a good person until you cry and know it is true.

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