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January 25, 2011

Zese are ze band memberz: Klaus, Dieter, Gunther und Leopold

Klaus Maximillion Flitz’s original place of birth is unknown. He was dropped off at the Pfarramt St. Maximillian church in Dusseldorf in the cold winter of 1974, an infant at the time. He was immediately taken under the tutelage of Nonne Frauline Lisbeth Geihse, where he spent time feeding the hungry and caring for the sick. He was often seen entertaining congregants with his version of Brechen Sie Tanzen, which was just reaching Germany by the late 80’s. Nonne Geihse, although a strict Catholic, had a penchant for American records, and New Wave European music. After his duties as alter boy at St. Maximillian, Klaus would fall asleep listening to Lisbeth’s records, analyzing their every beat.

At 14, he left a written note on top of Lisbeth’s copy of English Beat’s album “Special Beat Service” that simply read (translated) “Dearest Lisbeth, I go into the world to seek my parents. My only memory of them is laying on a sofa while they listened to sweet beat driven synth-pop. I believe if I make this music and play it throughout the world, they will hear my songs and know it is me. Thank you for all you have done. I have stolen your copy of Joy Division’s “Unknown Pleasures”. I shall return it someday. Love, Flitzy”.

The next four years are scarcely documented, but what is known is that Klaus spent considerable time in the dance clubs of Munich and Dusseldorf. Receipts place him as the “Club Engineer” of Schrecklicher Tanzparteiklub in 1989.

From here, Klaus became easier to track, as he pioneered a small music revolution in Germany known as Kleiner Person-Impresario, or “Little Person Impresario-ism”. He was the sole producer and owner of Winzig Wenig Klein Records in Dusseldorf, where he produced cover hits of songs for artists such as Little Dr. Dre, Tiny Snoop Dog, and the Ice Cube little person cover artist, Ice Chip.

As the Little Person cover artist market dried up, Klaus examined his life and decided he had deviated from his original purpose; making the beats that would not only transform the world, but also help him find his parents.

Seven albums followed, most notably (translated) “Dad, It’s Me, I’m Here, And I’m Making These Beats So You Can Hear Me”. Reaching number 34 on the Billboard Top 100 Pop-Dance-Searching-For-My-Family Charts, a reignited passion burned in Klaus.

2007 was a fateful year for Klaus. A mixup on Craigslist, where Klaus was searching for an early vintage Speak And Spell - but wound up posting an ad saying he was selling a Speak And Spell, lead to a chance meeting with current bandmate Deiter Haus. The rest, as is written often, is history, and the foundation of Handsome Sportz Klub soon followed.

Leopold Van Goegenstein was born in the town of Essen, 30km south of Dusseldorf.

He studied Molecular Biomechanics on a scholarship from the German Ministry of Science whereby he invented a means of fusion using only neural syncopations which caused the nuclei to willingly split through no man-made agenda. His research into the aural arena and thrusting turbo beats naturally led Leopold to the hot Dusseldorf Techno scene. He created the spectacular one man sensation “Schtoopen Poopen” whose only album “Carbon Polymagma” went double platinum.

Disillusioned by the insincere music industry, Leopold quit the business entirely to devote his time to a new science he was developing called Phonic Migrations. After years of seclusion and near madness, Dieter, an old family friend, encouraged Leopold to step again into the dazzling light of Dusseldorf Techno and join forces with his creation, Handsome Sportz Klub. After meeting Klaus and Gunter, Leopold knew that a perfect square contains four equal sided horizontal planes and to not contribute to the Handsome Sportz Klub algorithm would be unthinkable.

Leopold would like to acknowledge the 200 quintillion atoms that sit on the tip of a needle which convulse in rhythmic harmony when he explodes his lyrical bombs.

Now known only by his first name, Gunther Vennegor of Hesselink is rumored to have been born to a prostitute mother in the harsh red light
district streets of Amsterdam. After a vicious fallout with the notorious underground strip club “Die Bananenbar” owner and most likely candidate for Gunther’s father, Johann Gunther van Vennegor III, Gunther’s mother was banished from the Netherlands forever. While the cause of the fallout is unknown, the result was a fork in the road that forever shaped the life of young Gunther.

Carlijn Marie van Hesselink took refuge with the famous Munich-based traveling circus (Circus Krone) where Gunther was taken in by Magnus Karl “Das Adler” Hinté. “The eagle” as he was known, taught Gunther everything there was to know about being a faultless acrobat, but he also introduced the impressionable Gunther to his other two loves: football and Europop music.

In early 1995, saying he was burned out, Gunther walked away from the most lucrative contract ever offered to a professional acrobat at the time and hitchhiked across Europe in an effort to find himself. Instead all he found was the inside of a backpackers hostel in downtown Zurich and a small group of LSD and Trance music enthusiasts.

After a near death experience in the Zurich central train station where Gunther tried to stop a train with his mind, he realized he had a problem and vowed to never touch drugs again, and return to his home to start over. As fate would have it, Gunther was watching a football game in a Munich bar the following week and struck up a conversation with a rival Düsseldorf fan in an effort to calm the tension. As it turns out, the Düsseldorf fan was Dieter Haus, and what followed was an in depth sharing of each other’s musical interests in the alternative techno scene.

Gunther and Dieter became inseparable friends and through the 90s they created a new techno dance genre which they entitled “Kubisten Futuristen” which involved interpretive dance in a square motion over hard hitting techno beats. But after an unresolved dispute over who invented Kubisten Futuristen, Dieter went his separate way and the two vowed never to speak again.

Gunther went on to become the poster boy for the Kubisten movement. But it failed to gain any traction in zeitgeist culture and was consistently ignored by the music industry. After years of frustration and a brief turn as a life coach / weightloss expert, Gunther reached out to Dieter again and the two buried the hatchet and reunited in 2007 when Dieter offered Gunther a chance to step out of the obscure Kubisten underground and into the glorious lights of the big stage with his latest invention Handsome Sportz Klub.

Dieter Bartholomaus Haus was born in the city of East Berlin in 1974. In an effort to escape Communist oppression, his parents defected to the
West, according to legend, after meeting Anthony Edwards while he was in the country starring in what became the 1985 smash hit film “Gotcha!” En route to the border, Dieter’s parents were shot by KGB agents through the rear windshield of the car but Edwards and the young Dieter made it through checkpoint Alpha without a problem. Edwards denies the incident to this day.

Once out of the Oestzone (Eastzone) and across the border, the young Dieter was processed by local officials and placed into the care of a local orphanage run by a priest in Zehlendorf - a small fishing village just north of Berlin. Still a young boy, he began to have severe migrains followed by what he called “grelle Blitze vor meinen Augen” - “blinding flashes in front of my eyes.” These were accompanied by visions of machines of vast technical capabilities. Always without blueprints and directly from the visions in his mind, the young Dieter was able to build Magnetic flux Densitors, Electromagnetic generators, thermionic emmitors, and even anti-matter all with basic household items. His story was published in a local paper which happened to be read by Henry Winkler while visiting Berlin on Hiatus from “Happy Days.” According to Winkler, this was the genesis of the TV show “Macgyver.” Said Winkler: “Yeah, I read an article in a local paper about this genius kid in a little fishing village that could build weapons with Aqua Net and a rubber band, and I thought ‘I gotta get Richard Dean Anderson involved in this! The rest is history.”

Haus was educated by his new mentor (to this day Dieter refuses to name the mysterious priest out of spite) in the humanities and sciences: and... Krautrock. Krautrock - a fierce passion of the priests and a new musical movement in the Hinterland was being headed up by the band “Kraftwerk.” Endless nights were spent by the boy memorizing the lines to every song on the album. But soon after the introduction and love affair with the world of synth-pop, Dieter and the priest had a falling out and Dieter soon found himself hitchiking to the center of the music scene: Dusseldorf.

In 1989, Dieter found himself at the hub of the new music scene. A regular at Kraftwerk shows, he soon befriended a young troupe of jugendliche (teenagers) who were also bolsters for the city football club: Fortuna Dusseldorf, headed up by a Nebbishy young man and an old family friend by the name of Leopold Van Goegenstein. With Leopold out of town touring with his new band “Schtoopen Poopen,” Dieter took over as Generaldirektor of the bolster sportzklub. In between running the sportzklub, puppeteering shows, and heading up research for a new particle acceleration venture (What is now known as CERN) Dieter regularly traveled to rival football cities and found himself, in an effort to calm the tension between rival fans, striking up a conversation with a local supporter of FC Bayern Munchen. The young man happened to be none other than Gunther Vennegor of Hesselink. Both huge fans of the alternative techno scene, the two began to collaborate on a new techno dance genre called “Kubisten Futuristen” but after Gunther refused to acknowledge that Dieter had in fact invented “Kubisten Futuristen,” Gunther left the duet and the two vowed they would never speak again.

In a fit of absolute rage, Dieter enlisted in the Kammando Specialkraft (German Special Forces) and was given the crash course in Specialkraftenschveisen by the German military- being such an asset that he could create Macgyver-like devices in any “ztiky zituation”. After 7 years in the Kammando Specialkraft, Dieter’s passion for modern warfare waned and his desire for hard techno beats led him back to the music scene. He soon returned to Dusseldorf where he re-united with Gunther and in a chance meeting involving the sale/purchase (still not clear) of a vintage Speak and Spell on Kraigslist for his new band, met the one and only Klaus Maximillion Flitz. HANDSOME SPORTZ KLUB was formed. Knowing that a perfect square contains four equal sided horizontal planes, Dieter encouraged his old frienemy Leopold to step back into the techno-limelight and make the square complete, and the rest, as they say, is HIZTORY...