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November 21, 2016

It's a beautiful day to go rollerskating in the zombie apocalypse. 14 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'The Walking Dead' s07e05 "Go Getters"

Previously on The Most Ridiculous Things From Last Night’s The Walking Dead…

Editor’s Note: Last week, AMC became a minority shareholder in Funny Or Die. In the interest of full transparency, I want you to know this won’t change anything about these recaps. They will continue to be terrible.

1) New Doctor, Who Dis?

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♫ Wake up, Maggie
I think I got zombies to sayyy to you ♫

Welcome back to season seven, Mags! You’re looking at flowers, that always turns out great for folks on this show. Anytime someone (like this doctor I don’t remember) has to introduce himself with, “Remember me?” it’s a guaranteed thing nobody remembers him. He should’ve just said, “Hi, I’m the doctor you definitely don’t remember. I barely remember I exist. My whole life is a never-ending existential dilemma. Now let me take a gander at your lady parts to make sure your baby business is on the up and up. I’m a doctor by the way.”

2) Jesus Has Risen & He Needs A Nap

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Damn, Jesus. 2016 has really done a number on all of us because it looks like you aged 10 face years since last we kicked it. Face years: the most punishing and unkind of all the miles we tack on to our mortal odometers.

3) Make America Gregory Again

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So you’re telling me this Gregory guy wants to deport outsiders to prevent terrorist attacks, rose to power despite a lack of qualifications, lives in an opulent house, relies on Jesus to control his people, and thinks Maggie’s pregnancy is her mistake? AND he’s got a big ass wall? That sounds familiar! Sounds a lot like the Thanksgiving dinner conversation I’m going to be having with my cousin Steve. Shouts out to everyone having reasonable political discourse this holiday season with the Steves we love, only to helplessly have it all melt into screamed personal attacks we can’t unsay fueled by the volatile mix that is red wine and pumpkin pie AKA the Suburban Speedball.

4) King Dumb Darts

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Of all the games to occupy this poor child’s time, why did Carl have to pick darts? It’s such a funny thing to watch a kid with one eye try to be good at it. I actually LOL’d. I take notes when I watch the show and my note for this part, verbatim, was “ACTUALLY LOL AT CARL PLAYING DARTS.” Sound off in the comments if you want more behind the scenes info on how these get to be so bad. Alexandria is a community with TV and video games and the most entertaining thing to do is watch Carl struggle toss darts. I guess Carl’s forcing himself to adapt to his new depth perception? Cool. Looking forward to watching him develop from someone who is very bad at darts into someone who is less bad at darts and still has a terrible hat. I’m on the edge of my zombie seat.

5) Enid’s Gotta Run

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A bird’s gotta fly, a moody girl from the woods has to return to the shrubbery from whence she came. Wait a minute, girl. “They have better aim than you,” is an attack on Carl’s manhood before he ever got the chance to be anything close to a man. That’s so savage. It’s almost like you can’t lock a gal in a pantry these days without winding up in the dog house. This will NOT help his dart confidence one bit! Whelp, safe to say that the Carl is trying to finger a moody girl in the woods story arc is officially closed! It was gross while it lasted.

6) Carl Inherited His Driving Skills From His Mom’s Side Of The Family

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If there was any doubt that Carl is Lori’s child, look only to the fact that he crashed a perfectly good car into an immovable object from two miles away with nobody else on the road.

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“I was actually aiming for a zombie 30 feet to the right of that one.”

Smooth, Carl! Now you’re getting it! THE WOODS FINGERING STORY ARC IS OFFICIALLY RE-OPENED. For all the preposterous stuff that occurs on this show, they really nailed the stupid shit a young man without a driver’s license will do with a car to chase the incredibly unlikely chance of maybe making out with a girl who definitely doesn’t like him.

7) The Saviors Sure Are Theatrical

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The Saviors sure are theatrical! What with all the musical cars and fire pit mood lighting. Don’t leave yet, these zombies have a special message for Mike Pence! They’re glad he came to see their show but wish he would’ve seen any other show because honestly this is not a very good show it’s just kind of an OK show. I like this show, by the way. I also like drinking beer at 11am on Sunday and eating four cheeseburgers in a week sometimes. I like a lot of shit that isn’t good for me, it’s OK to like something and also be aware you’re an idiot.

8) Maggie’s Demolition Derby

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Heck yes, Maggie! Pull the tractor out, flip it, and reverse it. Right over that loud car and a bunch of zombies. Who knew Herschel’s defensive farm driving course would pay off? Driving a tractor backwards through cones at speeds in excess of 7 mph might not seem like a thing you’ll ever have to do, but when the time comes to step up to the plate you’ll be glad your muscle memory kicks in! Hey, notice how the music coming from that car under the tractor is the main source of music in this scene? And it stops when Maggie crushes the car? That’s another super fun use of diegetic sound on this season of the show! Something you probably don’t know about me is I went to college for 4.5 years to earn a useless media studies degree. I had to cite random papers all the time. So if you’re out there earning your useless media studies degree, feel free to cite this shit in an academic paper! Mostly the sentence “cite this shit in an academic paper” which I guess now appears in two sentences.

9) Roller Skater Tycoon

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I’m willing to believe Carl found one pair of roller skates on the side of the road in decent working condition that fit either him or Enid. My brain can make that jump. But to suggest he discovered two pairs of working skates that fit perfectly is more than my ass can tolerate. Also,that road is dusty and covered in pebbles and twigs. This cute, whimsical scene should really be a montage of them falling every three feet and breaking an ankle or at least chipping a few teeth.

10) I Love How Much Simon Is Just Trevor From Grand Theft Auto V

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Grand Theft Auto V is one of the best games of all time (FACTS.) and I’m replaying it now on PS4 because I never beat it on there (ALSO FACTS.) because my ex-girlfriend got it for me for Christmas two years ago and after we broke up it was too hard to play because it reminded me of her but now I’m in a good place and can enjoy the experience (MORE OR LESS FACTS.) and I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s fun to turn off my PS4 and immediately get a live action dose of Trevor whenever Simon is on the screen.

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“I don’t know art, but I know what you like.”

I don’t know how to put this gently, but that painting sucks. Not sure what the big whoop is. Can’t wait to see the CGI fire when they burn it a half mile down the road. If it’s anything like the mattresses last week, it will look like something a stranger on the internet has to assure me is a burning painting.

11) Professor Enid Cracks The Case That Carl Wasn’t Out For A Drive When He Coincidentally Saved Her Life

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Way to connect the dots, Encyclopedia Frown! You two really do deserve each other. You’re a regular Zam and Zim! That’s “Pam & Jim” from The Office, but in zombie times in case you were wondering.

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OH, DAMN! They finally kissed! It only took almost 2 years of our lives for that to happen. I love how Carl plays it cool like he’s unavailable after the fact. A+ emotional manipulation by way of distorting the facts, Carl! Then Enid makes herself equally unavailable, this is clearly not her first time breaking a boy’s heart and leaving him to collect the pieces in a big stupid hat.

12) Say My (Full) Name!

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I liked this part! It was awesome for a bunch of reasons. It’s great to see Maggie stand up for herself when Gregory obviously sucks and is a grave-robbing asshole of the worst variety. (I mean what kind of jerk doesn’t learn the names of people on this show? Me. I’m talking about me, I don’t learn these names most of the time.) And it’s really sweet she made sure to include Glenn’s last name! Even though I straight up did not know Glenn’s last name or recognize it when she said it. I’ve seen every episode of this show and if someone asked me what Glenn’s last name is to save my sister’s life, I’d tell her I love her so much and offer to help raise her kids. Oh yeah, I also liked the time Breaking Bad did this in season 5.

As I’ve pointed out before, I love when this show does stuff from season 5 of Breaking Bad because that was one of the best seasons of one of the best shows of all time. This show should do Breaking Bad season 5 stuff all the time.

13) Maggie Has Experience Backing A Tractor Over A Camaro

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Turns out Maggie actually DID have practice reversing a tractor over a vehicle. I knew something was up, she looked way too comfortable doing that. The idea that Maggie would date a (presumably shady) dude from the sticks who drove a Camaro and did something dickish (as Camaro owners are prone to do) which caused her to drive a tractor over the aforementioned Camaro makes too much sense. The writers are really flexing their “how do dumb teenagers in love destroy cars" muscles on this episode. Hitting it out of the god damn park. Salute.

14) Carl Found Jesus

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Or did Jesus find Carl? When they looked back, there was only one trail of booze. It really makes you think. Just kidding, no it doesn’t. What is the plan here? This does not feel like anybody has a plan. They have no guns, no backup, and nobody knows where they are. Nothing left to do but teach Carl about the joys of drinking hot of scotch in a moving vehicle and trade hair care tips. JOIN US NEXT WEEK! Will the Green Balloons get a spinoff web series? Yes. Released in 15 second episodes with 30 second pre-roll ads. Will Sasha grow a beard in Abe’s memory? Things seem to be going that way. Will Negan let Daryl have a drumstick at Thanksgiving? All Daryl has to do is ask for it! It’s a trap, Daryl! Don’t ask for the drumstick! (Happy Thanksgiving, you guys!) NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S07E06 of The Walking Dead!