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July 04, 2012

State of the Week: All the news that sits and spins.

(MEYRIN, SWITZERLAND) – Scientists working at the world’s biggest atom smasher have discovered the long-sought “God particle”, believed to have originated during the Big Bang and helped form the subatomic particles that make up the universe, and it appears to hate homosexuals.

 Svend Flauser, director of the Centre For Nuclear Research (CERN) made the announcement that “researchers have now found the missing cornerstone of particle physics. And it very clearly is deeply offended by man on man action. And dykes too.”

 Continued Flauser; “When placed in an isolated chamber with a stereo playing the Scissor Sisters “I Don’t Feel Like Dancing”, the particle became very unstable and came close to complete meltdown and we had to evacuate the building. It was only after we changed the track to Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” did it regain stability. The message is very clear; the God particle cannot abide homosexuals.”   


Scientists experiment by showing the God Particle the movies of John Waters

Further experiments with Elton John, Pet Shop Boys and Melissa Etheridge brought about similar results. The particle seemed uncertain of Morrissey.

Reached for comment, Christian Evangelist Pat Robertson said “I don’t know what a particle is, but if it hates fags it’s all right by me.”

And the Reverend Billy Graham; “God made atom and Eve, not atom and Steve.”