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September 18, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Mitt Romney's campaign said Tuesday that it will begin offering more specifics about his policy proposals. Because it takes a real leader to let his campaign announce that he knows he's been wasting everyone's time. 

Preorders for the iPhone 5 broke 2 million in the first 24 hours, doubling the amount for the iPhone 4S. At this rate, Apple may never have to reveal that Steve Jobs isn't actually dead.

Protests against an anti-Islamic film have spread to Indonesia and the Philippines. On the other hand, so have turtlenecks. 

Syrian warplanes fired missiles within Lebanon's borders while reportedly pursuing rebels. "Maybe they do want to be a democracy," said America.

NASA’s Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter reported a massive carbon dioxide blizzard over the planet's south polar cap. Causing Martian dads to grumble about having to wake up early to clean off the car. 

"Twilight" star Robert Pattinson is rumored to have taken back Kristen Stewart after Stewart publicly acknowledged she cheated on him. But hasn't she suffered enough?

A new study says teens who participate in sexting are more likely to have unsafe sex. Not much of a surprise from anyone willing to hold a cell phone next to their junk.

Laughing, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi recently commented, "Oh, Mitt Romney's not going to be president of the United States." Fortunately for Mitt Romney's feelings, he doesn't know what genuine laughter sounds like. 

Scientists named a new type of wasp after Lady Gaga. Fitting since none of the scientists could agree if the wasp was sexy or not.

Openly gay actor Rupert Everett told a British magazine, "I can't think of anything worse than being brought up by two gay dads." "Hey, what's everyone talking about?" said 9/11. 

In California, a security firm will be offering training on how to combat zombies. Playing the part of the undead will be California's economy. 

Newsweek is being criticized for running the headline "Muslim Rage" on its cover over a picture of Middle Eastern protesters. A headline sure to make Muslims even ragier.