Published July 18, 2013 More Info »
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Published July 18, 2013


“Thank goodness owning people is no longer allowed,” said the nervous white man.

Shortly before my wife and I got married, she had taken in a small dog to keep her company since she lived by herself. His name was Scooby. He was part Chihuahua and part Maltese. He was by far, in my unbiased opinion (< Lie), one of the ugliest dogs I’ve ever seen. He did that shaking thing that Chihuahuas do like it was freezing cold or really nervous. I did not like him, nor did I try to like him. Before we were married, Scooby slept in the bed. After we were married I implemented a strict “No Dogs in Bed” policy. Scooby went back and forth from sleeping under the bed and in the bathroom at night. He was very unhappy with this transition and showed his contempt by whining constantly at night and pooping on the floor in multiple locations in our bedroom and bathroom. After stepping in the animal’s fecal matter one too many times and a failed attempt by Scooby at one point to actually try to relieve himself (poop) on my chest while lying on the couch, we mutually agreed to give the dog to a friend of a friend who would unconditionally love him as I actively chose not to. Now, let me be clear when I say we came to a mutual agreement about this decision. What I really mean is that I complained about the dog until it drove a wedge between my wife and me. The way this was handled was a complete failure on my part as a husband. I could have tried harder to let the dog have a special place in our lives, but my hate for it was quite overwhelming. I let it get the best of me.

Pets are commonly misconstrued as a proper stepping stone of responsibility before having children. If that were so then it would be socially (and legally) acceptable to leave my children in an appropriate sized kennel with food, water, bedding, and two small chew toys, as opposed to spending hundreds of dollars weekly on daycare services. What a wonderful world it would be. I could also only teach my child the basics of sitting, staying in place, and regrettably letting me know when he/she needs to go outside to use the bathroom. I doubt my children would become useful and productive members of society, but they would not differ from many other people I know who have taken advantage of the much greater resources afforded to them, i.e. ability to speak a language fluently, use a fully functional restroom, and public education, etc.

Discuss with your spouse when an appropriate time to get a pet would be for the both of you. What kind of animal should we get? Boy or girl? How much will it cost? Can we afford that? Can I laugh if it humps your leg? If you already have a pet and find that owning an animal isn’t the right thing for either one of you, ask friends or family if they may be interested in giving it a good home. If that doesn’t work, put an ad in the local paper or online. If that still doesn’t work, take it in the back yard and shoot it. No, don’t do that! Put your gun down! I’m kidding! Don’t shoot your pet in the back yard! Take it to the woods. You need to finish reading before you jump to such insane conclusions. You almost made a huge mistake.


An excerpt chapter from my book "A Brief Guide to Marriage for Men" where we discuss the subject of new couples getting a pet together.
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