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Published February 11, 2011

Why a Valentine’s Day Weekend press conference? 

Cuz it’s the only time I can stand in front of a bunch of hot female reporters and say, “I have a HEART ON for you” and NOT get slapped (cuz I point to the HEART pin on my lapel).  Yeah, there’s STILL some Little Johnny in me!

This is actually a survey sent to me from “wheeeelwee FUNNY Walt” at WaltSense.  WaltSense asked me to do this and pass along to 4 other bloggers.  Read WaltSense, or he will hunt ya down in a Philadelphia kind of way!! 

Anyway, I thought I would handle this survey as if it were a press conference for the ALMOST-child star, Little Johnny, “all grown up.”  I’m kinda nervous cuz this is my first press conference and my PR person is off spoon-feeding applesauce to a mumbling/gurgling Amy Winehouse.

THE SCENE: I stand at a podium (which is my night stand with a piled up stack of Yellow Pages phone books covered with a black cloth – cuz what ELSE do ya do with phone books these days?)  I’m in my West Wing (my garage which I cleaned just for this – which means I put throw-rugs and tarps over all of the “SOAPWORD” stacked in the corner).  No, I don’t picture everyone in their underwear to calm my nerves.  Picturing everyone in underwear  would actually make me GAG harder than Snookie’s gynecologist. 

One other note, I have envisioned some very significant people as the reporters ASKING the questions at my press conference.  So let’s start this thing.  First question please and PLEASE state who you are and who you represent.

1-  (REPORTER: Former White House Press Corp Member Helen Thomas)

Question: If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?

ME: I do have a pet – a dog. I consider him a family member because he is the ONLY one that is ALWAYS happy to see me.  Whether I’m gone 15 minutes or 15 days, the welcome is always ECSTATIC ENTHUSIASM.  And he IS part of the family, he takes a regular spot on the guest bathroom cleaning schedule.  (Licks that toilet bowl CLEAN!!!)

2- (REPORTER: The Reverend Jesse Jackson)

Question: If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

ME: I would love to be able to attend EVERY major national event AT NO COST TO ME with exclusive access and better seating than any Handicap area could EVER offer.  Well, Reverend, I think you understand my dream.

3- (REPORTER: My ex-Wife that had 2 affairs)  

Question: What is the one thing most hated by you?

ME: Hmmmmm.  As I look at ya,  I’m not sure that I can only pick ONE thing hated by me.  Ignorance and selfishness come to mind as something I REALLY hate.  Do you understand what I mean?  Your cooking ALSO comes to mind.

4-     (REPORTER: Ted Williams – Golden Voiced Vagrant)

Question: What would you do with a billion dollars? 

ME: WOW!  That’s tough cuz I know that it would come with some notoriety and I’m not sure that I wouldn’t go nuts yelling, “I LOVE YOU MOMMY, I LOVE YOU MOMMY” as cameras preyed on me.  But, I think, once my family was taken care of, I would purchase a lot of advertising that simply stated, “The Following List of People Can Now Kiss My “SOAPWORD!”  

5- (REPORTER: Dr. Phil)

Question: What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

ME: Watching YOUR show and listening to the Delilah show on the radio.  After 5-10 minutes of each I feel like, “WOW, thank GOD I’m not that “SOAPWORD’d up!”

6- (REPORTER: The Situation from Jersey Shore)

Question:: Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

ME: How do you define “Love?”

The Situation : Um, Um, Ah, well, um, do you have any HOT DAUGHTERS? 

ME: Well, then, let’s just say there are blessings in both.  Have I told you about my dog and how much he loves me?

7- (REPORTER:  My Dog)

Question:: What is your bedtime routine?

You’re kidding me right? As if YOU don’t know the routine? I get up from the couch, scratch myself and you pop up outta yer doggy  bed and go to the door for a pee stop. Then ya come in and drool on the floor until I give you a treat and, as we walk up the steps, I tell ya about what’s on my agenda tomorrow – NOT LIKE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING but, once again, YOU ARE LOYAL – (as long as I have a treat for ya).   

8-     (REPORTER: Dr. Phil)

  Question: If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?

   ME: You already had a question.  Learn to share! 

9- (REPORTER: David Letterman)

Question:  If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

You.  But not in that secret room of yers near the stage.

10-   (REPORTER: Amazon.com Rep)

What kinds of books do you read?

WAIT, how did you get in here?  And WHY are you in yer underwear?  You don’t need an answer, yer secret spy software ALREADY knows what I read and has made some very good suggestions for future picture pop-up books for my pleasure.

 11- (REPORTER: Mrs. Ross my High School Counselor)

Question: How would you see yourself in ten years time?

ME: No idea but I hope that I CAN see myself in 10 years time and not be dead or blind.  See how much you’ve helped me in my life?? 

12-   (REPORTER: Joe Rogan – Host of NBC’s Fear Factor)

Question: What’s your fear?

You asking that question SCARES the “SOAPWORD” outta me.  Next question please.

13-   (REPORTER: Lenny – black guy from the Today Show Outside Audience)

Question: Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?

ME: No but I would give up BOTH if you would wear an IamLittleJohnny.com ball cap some day on the Today Show

14- (REPORTER: @pcguys on Twitter who ALWAYS post Little Johnny Jokes

 Question: Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?

ME: That’s like asking me if I wanna have sex or have pizza.  I KNOW I CAN GET PIZZA!  Married and poor is my answer.

15-   (REPORTER: My Wife)

 Question: What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

ME: As if you don’t know. Good time for a Little Johnny joke here though.  Little Johnny says, “Why don’t women sleep on their sides like men?  Cuz ladies don’t have a kick stand!”

16- (REPORTER: My Ex Wife)

Question:  If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

ME: This is getting uncomfortable.  Why are you still in MY HOUSE??? 

17-   (REPORTER: IRS Agent)

Question: If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

ME: Lance Manion.  Wait, why did you ask?  Are you auditing me or (even worse) dating my ex-wife?

18-   (REPORTER: My Ex Wife)

Question: Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

ME: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!! 

 19- (REPORTER: Jenny Craig)

Question: If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

ME: Is this a trick question?  If you’re here to sign me to a promotional deal then, OBVIOUSLY it would be something that is low in Sodium, high in anti-oxidants, low in trans fats, high in Omega-3 fatty acids.  As far as you know! 

OK.. brining this to a close because all this talkin’ about food has made me hungry and this blog post is now WAAAAAY to long. 

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