In his third time in as many years, New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has failed to come through on the ultimate promise that he made. Sure, we're used to hearing about his Super Bowl predictions just about every goddamn year since he got that job. Except in this particular case, the broken promise was to his wife.
For each of the past three years, Ryan has promised his wife that he is going to remain erect long enough to have sex with her. And every time, he has failed to maintain wood for the love of his life. It's a problem that could cost the 49 year-old husband and father of two his marriage and child visitation rights.
What's made this issue even worse is the fact that Ryan has been so outspokenly confident about his erectile competence, claiming that he is going to "beat it 'til it's time for breakfast" and that he can "get [his] cock harder than anyone else on this fucking planet."
"It wouldn't be so much of a problem if he didn't always speak so highly of his penis," said a disgruntled Michelle Ryan, wife of Rex for the past twenty-four years. "And to be honest with you, he doesn't have a problem with staying erect. He can't even get aroused to begin with. He just stands there with his stinky, flaccid little penis in front of me, expecting me to perform miracles on it. Fucking disgusting."
Friends and family of Ryan are beginning to worry if the man they once revered is beginning to lose touch with reality. Just last month, Rex was in the news for allegedly assaulting a Viagra marketing executive in a Ruby Tuesday restaurant. When the executve (who asked that we not reveal his name) offered Ryan a lucrative endorsement deal with the erectile dysfunction pill-maker, the much bigger Ryan was witnessed punching him in the face repeatedly while screaming "I'm hard right now!"
While the charges were dropped following an undisclosed payment to the Viagra employee, it was the final straw for Michelle. "When we first met, I fell in love with his big mouth and his big heart..he almost made me believe that he could get erect for me. But now, I see that he's what I've thought all along. He's a fat, pathetic, lying piece of shit that can get everyone under the sun excited..everyone except for his own fucking cock. I don't think I can take this anymore."