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June 15, 2017

Cancer, Zika, Ebola? The answer just might surprise you.

Cancer, Zika, Ebola—what is the biggest health risk facing humans right now? We asked nine medical experts for their answer.

Paul Rothman- Dean, Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine

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“I’m personally very concerned about the rampant abuse of antibiotics and the rise of super-bugs resistant to treatment. But that’s me personally. Objectively, I’d say the biggest health issue of the current moment is getting a fidget spinner stuck in your butt.”

Anne Schuchat- Acting Director, CDC

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“In my professional opinion, it would be widespread lack of medical coverage, especially for certain conditions. More specifically, lack of coverage for the condition of getting a fidget spinner stuck in your butt.”

James Madara- CEO, American Medical Association


“I’d ask more people to consider the impending direct consequences of global warming on their health and quality of life. Because I definitely don’t have time to think about that kind of stuff anymore, not with all these fidget spinners I’m constantly having to fish out of everyone’s butts.”

Sylvia Trent-Adams- Acting Surgeon General

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“I think the biggest threat is the lack of adequate health education in public schools. It is the most effective way to fight dangerous health misconceptions and myths. What I’m really trying to say is, the worst thing you can do for a fidget spinner stuck in a butt is try to remove it with another fidget spinner.”

Jeffrey Drazen- Editor-in-Chief, The New England Journal of Medicine

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“A lack of trained medical professionals. I’m the only doctor within a 100-mile radius who can safely remove a fidget spinner stuck in a butt. But I can’t be of any help until I can have the fidget spinner stuck in my butt removed, and I can’t find a doctor nearby who can do it.“

Walter Willett- Professor of Epidemiology and Nutrition, Harvard University

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“T18.5-Spinner. That’s the code for a fidget spinner stuck in the butt.”

Stefano Bertozzi- Dean, UC Berkeley School of Public Health

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“Despite some of the hype you may hear from some of my peers, the biggest health risk of 2017 is NOT fidget spinners getting stuck in people’s butts. It’s getting fidget spinners to stop spinning before you can safely remove them from people’s butts.”

Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus- Director-General, World Health Organization

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“Probably hunger. Why? What is everyone else saying?”

Alastair Buchan- Dean of Medicine, Oxford University

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“I don’t know about the States, but over here, it’s getting a fidgy-top up your bum.”