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January 14, 2011

As a resident of New Jersey, and also as an Italian American. I would just like to express my thoughts and feeling on the whole "Guido, Guidette, Jersey Shore, I'm a whore... you're a dirtbag but who cares we're all orange" mentality.

First off, we do not all have poofs of hair on top of our heads!... which I'm quite sure was a tactic used by an empathetic Mother of a thing called Snooki to somehow convince her little freakshow that her doctor prescribed extra special helmet wasn't soooo bad, show her that with a few adjustments.. it could even be...fashionable.. trendy! it's okay that you have to wear head protection while in science class sweetie, infact, I bet all the girls will want  a helmet once they get a load a this!
This lost for words, best-of-intentioned Mother pulled this out of her ass while trying to comfort her little troll. WHO THE FUCK WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT,YES, YES! millions would actually start sporting this hair helmet! Genius if you look at it from a desperate Mother's view... horrible for anybody elses view... more specifically; while in traffic, theaters, classrooms.. the list goes on.

Plus the fact that the chick is some sort of spanish or middle eastern, ( I know these are 2 completely deifferent ethnicities... It is not relevant to my point though) So I'm pretty sure the orange skin is another moronic plot... that oooonce again people actually followed! I can only imagine what intricate thoughts went through the Snookster's hair helmet clad dome;
" hmmm, if I was ta fake tan ta a unrecognizable color, and all my juice heads and bitches did the same..... then we would all be the same skin tone... aaand... did somebody just touch my poof? I feel as though my equilibrium is thrown off... hey falafel!"

well, bottom line, there’s a bunch of orange morons walking around... 

 ( Falafel intermission :d)

So on top of wearing protective noggin gear comprised of hair spray and flat iron induced split ends and walking around looking like you're a walking Gatorade ad, and that "real" people sweat out colored sports drinks...in your case it would be a mixture of cherry and lemon-lime. "real"... you know, pharmaceutically enhanced... oh, wait, that’s not the cool term.. juice heads! mmm orange men with huge oily muscles and shrunken junk... *Fist pump!*

Oh, the juice heads... Ed Hardy clad, hair similar to that of Cameron Diaz in the famous "There's something about Mary" date scene... except... I'm guessing hair this perfectly constructed required multiple Men's scrotum sauce. But never fear... if you're not into that, you can just borrow your Mom's hair dryer and give yourself a blow out! ehhh, but I'm gonna take a wild guess and assume you would still be game for some scrotum sauce. Listen... I can dance around this for hours... but, I should probably stop... it's the nice thi... aw, screw it... 

Has no one else noticed that they all look like they are staring into a microwave?? Or that every time The Situation lifts his Ed Hardy T-shirt Kuato comes to mind?? Or that Snooki is a cute Nick name Bill and Ted came up with for Station?? the craziest part!... the icing on this cake!..the cake Snooki already ate the insides out of and JWoww will pop out from... is that Station, I mean, Snooki wrote a novel! Got a book deal and wrote a friken novel!... the 2 main characters Gia Spumonti and Bella Rizzoli... I'm guessing Fettuccini Alfredo and Angelhair Pasta were already taken... hmm, fictional characters based on Snooki and JWoww, they have to sound Italian... those are good, but I probably would've went with Meat Ball and Stuffed Clam, suits them well.

Italians do not naturally look like characters from the live action version of Fragglerock. There is no reason to be totally orange, unless you're serving time in prison. That poof looks ridiculous, if you think, hey this looks cool, look how many guys are hitting on me! no, just...no... men are hitting on you because they figure if you're dumb enough to leave your house with a hairstyle that makes you look like a very small child with a mushroom cut is hiding in your head where your brain should be, but he diesn't quite fit... then you are dumb enough to believe whatever story it takes to get a blow job where he can look at your poof head, squint his eyes and fantasize that there are 2 heads are down there!