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August 27, 2008


Amy4Birds Teaches Vocabulary

Jim McPartland



Funny Or Die will be my downfall.

I’ve now morphed into a quasi vampire who cannot focus on what should be important.

Since last week, I’ve developed a very strange sleeping pattern. Last night, for example, I have every good intention of watching Joe Biden and Bill Clinton deliver their speeches at the DNC. I barely made it through Hilary sucking up her ego and giving the nomination to Obama (which I give her a total salute for because other than Gore conceding when he knew he’d won and he could continue to fight, it had to be the most difficult thing she’s every done).

Next thing I know, it’s 12:30 AM, I’ve slept 4 ½ hours, and I feel like working.

I say ‘working’ because I PROMISED myself yesterday I would not log into FOD this morning until after I sent out 3 more agent queries.

I broke my promise.

Before you know it, I’m reading Amy’s latest blog-  http://www.funnyordie.com/blog/posts/2842.

She says something about merkins. I have no clue what a merkin is and google it.

Now I know.

The term was coined in 1617. It is a pubic wig, originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia to eliminate lice or disguise the marks of syphilis. They can be worn by both men and women usually applied by adhesive tape.


This one has a battery operated flashlight. No need to keep a flashlight in your glove compartment anymore- lost? Unzip and find your way.


They are also worn by actors and actresses to prevent full frontal nudity during filming.

Here is a UK site that offers various designs, as well as the ability to create your own-


I do fancy the Grateful Deadhead psychedelic one. That has got to be a surprise. ‘Wow, those were good ‘shrooms!’ as one tries to bang a new concert friend.

Here are some alternative definitions-

1)      A male sex toy or artificial vagina. Don’t own one and is not in my Amazon ‘wish list’.

2)      Gay slang for a gay man who dates a lesbian so she may appear heterosexual. Tucker Carlson and Rachel Maddow are an example. The opposite is a ‘beard’ when Rachel does the fav for the Tuckester.

3)      A foreign derogatory term used towards Americans who have ‘ugly tendencies’. After the way we’ve behaved recently, I would not blame them for calling us that.


Strange facts-

1)      Peter Sellers’ character in Dr Strangelove was Merkin Muffley. Kubrick was way ahead of his time.

2)      There will be a Merkinstock in San Francisco in 2009. Where else?

3)      A salesman repeatedly tries to sell one on Family Guy.


It is now 3:45 AM and I’m going to the gym. When I get back around 7, I’ll do those queries.

Who the fuck am I kidding? I know I’ll be back at my newsfeed. Wanda and Trish have posted some new vids I haven’t watched yet. I’ll watch Uncle Stanley’s #6 again. Laurie will have posted something funny. Michelle will have given me philosophical inspiration. PJ, another great ad. Twonicus may emerge from Grand Central.

And Kim? God knows what she’ll do next.

Gimme a break, folks. You’re serious distractions from my task at hand. Although I appreciate adding another word into my vocabulary, I doubt Alex Trebek will have a ‘Famous Merkin’ category (I didn’t pass the cut for Jeopardy the one time I tried out anyway) so the chances of making money knowing this is nil.


Editors’ Note- Even Microsoft doesn’t know what a merkin is. It’s always fun to add a new word to spell check when you know you’re right. Fuck you, Gates! Get a Webster’s!

Also, now you know if you get something from me at an early EST time, I’m wide eyed and bushy tailed. If you get something at 10 PM, take it with a grain of ‘drunk dial comments’ salt.