*A female friend of mine tells me that she is pregnant. She has been married for a little over a year, I believe.*
Me: Well Congrats. Congratulations...on getting pumped full of cum.
*Now, I have absolutely no idea what that even came to mind, let alone why I actually said it. Even if you're having dirty, porno-style sex (which I love just as much as the next guy), "pumped full of a cum" is a pretty dirty phrase. I clearly was not having dirty, porno-style sex with her, though, because if she told me she was pregnant in the middle of that, I'm fairly sure that it would kill the mood.
I also knew that she was not going to like that comment. Let's be honest, who would? Still, though, I said it, and now I was going to have to defend it.*
Her: Why would you say that?
Me: What? I mean, technically, that is what happened. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm happy for you. Seriously, congratulations.
Her: *Disgusted sigh*
Me: I'm assuming you've already told your parents?
Her: Yeah, they were happy.
Me: See, that's something I've never quite understood. The married couples goes to visit the wife's parents, and they break the news, and everyone is happy. They congratulate them, and the father shakes the husband's hand.
But what is the father congratulating him for accomplishing? Yeah, he may as well be saying "Congrats on fucking my daughter, and not pulling out. Thanks for that. So, what position was it in?" That's pretty gross, and possibly illegal.
Her: Why do you do that?
Me: What? Why does being married change that? If you would've told them that I got you pregnant, would they have been happy?
*Sidenote 1: Her and I had a fling a few years ago. It was an innocent, fun, "no lasting effects" one, and we're still friends, obviously.*
Me: Is my semen going to change if I ever get married?
*Sidenote 2: If anyone wants to have dirty, porno-style sex, let me know.*