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June 22, 2009

For stoners everywhere, April 20th is a special day because the number 420 is police code for the number of pot-smoking police officers each state is allowed to have on their payroll in any given year. However, I didn’t write about 420 on April 20th because I got too stoned and forgot too. Because of that, I’d like to take this opportunity to write about the great lengths I have gone to in order to get stoned.

Great lengths I have gone to in order to get stoned #1: taste-testing for Fear Factor

When I first moved to Hollywood in the early 2000’s, I was extremely broke and would do just about anything I could to get weed. During a bad stretch of unemployment, a friend of mine who was lucky enough to have a job at Fear Factor, decided to share the wealth by helping me find short term employment. I could earn $100 in a couple hours just for being a taste tester.

And it was especially exciting because I was taste-testing for a special WWF episode of Fear Factor. And I say “WWF” because “WWE” is just retarded. I mean, I can’t believe a bunch of pussy ass panda bears beat the likes of Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, and Macho Man Randy Savage for the rights to use the acronym WWF. It’s ridiculous.

Anyway, I went to the Fear Factor production offices and was given the task of drinking an entire 16 ounce glass containing a blended combination of pigs brain, cow bile, and rooster testicles. It seemed easy enough and since I hadn’t eaten in a couple days, I would also be getting a little protein to boot. And in addition to what it tasted like, the producers also wanted me to report back on its consistency, texture, and whether or not it was disgusting enough. And there was also a hook – I had to hold the disgusting mixture down for at least a minute. If I puked before a minute was up, I wasn’t getting any money.

So I grabbed the pint glass of blended pigs brain, cow bile, and rooster testicles and started chugging. And as soon as the mixture hit my tongue I started gagging. The rooster testicles really took over and gave the whole mixture a strong poultry flavor – which is pretty disgusting once you realize that you’re actually drinking liquid poultry in a glass. But there was no way I was losing out on precious weed money, so I caught myself before I puked and forced the whole thing down in one quick gulp.

I drank the gross concoction, got paid a hundred bucks, and used that money to buy two eighths of weed – which lasted me roughly three days. I would like to point out that during the actual WWF Fear Factor episode, some lame ass wrestler named “the Test” had to drink the same exact combination of pigs brain, cow bile, and rooster testicles that I did and he refused to drink it! He just got up and walked off set.

And on top of that, he was playing for charity, too!!! Total dick move, but I don’t blame him. It was pretty fucking gross. And I can’t help but think that if he was getting weed money instead of playing for a charity, maybe he might have ended up drinking it, too.

Great lengths I have gone to in order to get stoned #2: supporting my drug dealer’s acting career

My first drug dealer in Hollywood was your typical wannabe actor. You know, he was a good looking jock with no real acting ability to speak of. And that never stops any of the other wannabe actors in Hollywood, so there’s no good reason why it should have stopped him.

And when you’re a shitty actor in Hollywood, you’ll do whatever you can to get exposure, whether it’s auditioning for American Idol, answering casting calls on Craig’s List, or doing live theater – which coincidentally enough, is where all the wannabe writers get a chance to act out their shitty scripts.

So my drug dealer tells me he’s in a play, and he tells me I should go check it out because I’ll find it really funny. Now I hate live theater, and I had zero desire to see him act, but I figured if I went to the play he would be really touched with the fact that I supported his dreams. Maybe even touched to the point that I could call him at 5 am for a drug run, or buy weed on credit. Maybe he’d just start giving me bags of weed for free. I didn’t know what to expect except watching his stupid play could only help me.

My drug dealer’s play ended up being the worst piece of shit I’ve ever had to sit through. It seriously made me want to puke more than taste-testing for Fear Factor did. The only thing interesting about it was the fact that David Leisure, the actor who played Joe Isuzu in those Isuzu car ads, was also sitting in the audience.

For those of you not familiar with David Leisure, he also played Charley on Empty Nest and the annoying Hare Krishna guy in Airplane! The whole show, I entertained myself by trying to get David Leisure’s attention. I kept throwing pieces of popcorn at him, whispering, “pssssssssssst… hey, over here…”, but he never once looked over. I didn’t know why David Leisure put himself through that torture, but I could only assume it was because he was boning one of the young actresses in the show.

After the play was done, I went backstage, shook my drug dealer’s hand and said, “good job. You were the best one in the play.” I also thought about getting him flowers but  at the last minute decided that was too much.

So the next time I go to my drug dealer’s place, I’m expecting him to set me up with a better weed deal and I remind him about me being at his play in case he forgot. He thanked me again and then tells me that he’s jacking up my cost of weed from $60 an eighth to $75. When I asked him why he was charging me more money he informed me that his step father is David Leisure and he doesn’t appreciate it when people throw popcorn at his head for twenty minutes.

Great lengths I have gone to in order to get stoned #3: smoking pot with Andy Dick

I had the opportunity to smoke weed with Andy Dick a couple years ago.

First off, let me say I’m a huge fan of Andy Dick. He was fucking amazing on the Ben Stiller Show, and any MTV Award Show sketch becomes instantly brilliant whenever he shows up. Love him or hate him, he’s a comic genius, and there’s no arguing that. So being able to smoke pot with him was a pretty cool experience, and quite possibly the highlight of my pot smoking career. But one thing bothered me…

At one point, after I took a hit from the bowl and passed it to Andy Dick, Andy Dick looked at me for a beat and then proceeded to wipe the end of the bowl with his shirt sleeve before taking a hit. You know, like I have a disease or something and he might catch it from me.

At that moment, I couldn’t help but think, “come on, dude, you’re Andy Dick. I’m sure your mouth has been wrapped around worse things than the end of a bowl that Steve Pilot just smoked from.” And then Andy went on to prove my point by making out with a homeless man's asshole.