Celebrities See All

Close

Quick Links

or
12 Funny Votes
0 Die Votes
69 Views
Published May 07, 2013

smalls_2.jpg

June 15th, 1962

Wow, what a rough day. I was setting up this really neat erector set when mom told me I had to go play outside. That's when I saw these guys playing baseball in an abandoned sandlot. I joined in and tried my best, but I don't know anything about baseball! So they teased me. Boy it's gonna be a rough summer. But on the bright side, when everyone was sleeping, I snuck out, went downtown, and paid two bums to fight each other in the dead of night. It was exhilarating.

 

June 29th, 1962

I can't believe what Squints did today: he pretended like he was drowning so that he could get mouth-to-mouth from Wendy Peffercorn! Well, we got banned from the pool for that one, but even so, I'm still gonna go back there at night: after-hours, that place is crawling with war vets who'll do anything for a couple of bucks. Like bare-fist box each other till near-death.

 

July 20th, 1962

Ugh, yuck, I'm never gonna chew tobacco again! We were at the carnival and we thought it would be real cool to chew some Big Chief like the pros. It was so gross! Then someone had the bright idea to ride a spinny ride and we barfed all over the place. After that the other guys called it a night, but I got my hands on a 40 of malt liquor and went on over to where the carnies had set up camp. "Big bottle of the good stuff for whoever brings me the most human teeth!" I yelled to the lot of them. It sure is shaping up to be one heck of a summer!

 

August 15th, 1962

Golly, I'm such a dope. I hit my very first home run today, but we were using the baseball from Bill's trophy room!  Man, when I found out that ball was signed by the Babe Ruth all the guys had been talking about, I was really kicking myself. All this time, I could have sold that ball and had enough money to pay all the homeless in town to fight each other in one big rumble. That would surely satisfy this bottomless craving that festers inside of me, chewing away at my once innocent soul.

 

August 16th, 1962

Last night Benny had a dream about Babe Ruth, and now we might have a plan to get the ball back. I had a dream about Babe Ruth too, only the Babe and I were at an underground cockfight, but instead of roosters fighting each other, it was the poor and indigent. I think my dream is telling me that I need a fix of the real stuff really bad, and soon!

 

August 17th 1962

Whoa! The craziest thing happened! Benny jumped the fence and got the ball back, but not after the Beast chased him all through town! And if that weren't enough, later that night I went down to the railroad tracks and paid some hobos to wrestle a bear that I've been keeping in a boxcar all summer.

 

September 8th, 1962

No more sandlot games for awhile. Summer's over, and the guys have all gone back to school, and I'm doing a couple of months in juvenile detention. Sure, I'll miss those days at the sandlot. But I've got a special baseball and a bunch of carny teeth in my pocket to remind me of the best summer of this kid's life.

 
Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web

More