This is the 2nd day of the week-long blog of Chad Arthur Helmuth (as told to his son, Jack Helmuth). Chad, a devout small government Republican and die-hard Ronald Reagan supporter, went into a coma when he jumped into an above ground swimming pool filled with liquid nitrogen in an attempt to freeze himself the day Reagan was shot in 1981. He awoke from his coma yesterday morning and, due to unfathomable pain, remains on what I can only describe as an “optimistically lethal” level of narcotics. He has been pronounced legally dead 4 times in the last day.
BLOG DAY 2
Hey everyone! I’m awake again and excited to share my experiences with you. I understand that my son Jack here is transcribing what I say in a blog of his. Well, good for him! Now, what is a “blog?”
Mmm hmm. I see. And any asshole in the world can post a “blog?” Really?! And they expect other people to read their asshole opinions? No kidding! Well I’ll be a skinless hospital patient! (Laughs. The laughter causes his exposed lungs to start bleeding. He cries out in pain) Oh! I just got a great idea! People should write outright lies in their blogs and then get the news media to report the lies as if they’re true, citing “sources.” But, check this shit out…the “sources” are really the blogs, and the news media write the blogs themselves!
They do, huh? Oh well, I guess there’s no such thing as a new idea. Now, tell me, what’s an “internet?”
Wait wait wait! I’ve got bigger things to ask you about, including the most pressing and important question that’s been in my mind the last day: Is Han Solo all right? God I hope so, having gone through a very similar thing in my life recently. When he was successfully de-thawed, was he also missing all of his skin? No? Just the edge from his acting? Well that’s a shame. Especially for me, seeing as I need to be cauterized every half hour.
Well, there’s no bigger Star Wars fan than me, and I can’t wait to watch “Revenge of the Jedi!” I can only imagine the exciting and fitting death that awaits Boba Fett for his treachery.
3 other movies after “Jedi”??? NO WAY! That’s great news! I’ll bet there’s no way at all that they’re disappointing! Reagan lived to 93 and I’ve got four more “Star Wars” movies to see, all of which will be of the caliber of “The Empire Strikes Back!” Who’s the luckiest man alive?
OWWWWW!!! HERE IT COMES AGAIN! THIS IS AN UNSPEAKABLE PAIN THAT CAN ONLY BE WROUGHT BY GOD HIMSELF! THE DEVIL IS FUCKING ME WITH HIS HORNY DICK! HE’S USING LEMON JUICE AS LUBE WHICH IS ESPECIALLY BAD CONSIDERING MY ENTIRE FUCKING BODY IS AN OPEN WOUND. HOLY SHIT LET ME DIE!
I’m back. Died again there for a few minutes. If I had a nickel.
The next time the doctor comes in here I’m gonna ask him to let me go. I want to die. Remember a few minutes ago when I said, “Holy shit, let me die?” Yeah, that wasn’t hyperbole or being emotional. That was sincere fucking request. I’m gonna tell the doctor to do it – fuck your blog.
What do you mean “I can’t?” Well what business is it of the government’s if I die? That’s my business, and it’s a personal decision. A private matter to be decided as a family. I have a right to die if I want to, God dammit!
Man, these fucking Democrats and their bureaucracy! This is what I’m talking about! They go around legislating every little piece of people’s lives, leaving nothing to the individual. Typical Democrats, winning the South every election with their over-regulation and bloated government. How dare they! I mean, look at me. Actually, no – don’t. I look like Slim Goodbody after spending a week in a blast furnace. Figuratively, look at me…I’m the perfect example of someone who should be able to take his own life if I want. I’m in constant pain with no hope of ever leading a meaningful life. I can’t use any of my senses, I can’t swallow, I can’t blink. I don’t have cotton-mouth…I have fucking fiberglass-mouth. Oh, and apparently I smell like a GoodYear Tire factory…that burned to the ground…that had cat shit used an accelerant. At least that’s what the nurse said. I’ll have to take her word for it – I can’t fucking smell.
I deserve to die. It just makes me sick that that choice is taken away from people. It’s inhumane. Now, someone who’s been pro-choice his whole life like President Reagan (sure, he tried to get some religious loons on board by flip-flopping on abortion for the election, but c’mon, he was Governor Abortion in California) knows better than to destroy an individual’s choice – it’s the hallmark of being a true Conservative Republican. We don’t do things like legislate a person’s body or what they do in their bedroom. That mentality undoubtedly must be the legacy of President Reagan and all Republicans who strive to claim his mantle.
Why do you keep looking at me like that, Jack?
(NOTE: I just caught my dad up on the state of Choice in America. I thought the George W. Bush stuff would finally do what God, and the government, refuse to do, and kill him on the spot. Amazingly, he kept asking me questions. When we got to Sarah Palin, he started spitting up blood. Of course that happens to a lot of people I know who haven’t been engulfed by liquid nitrogen. Anyways…boy, that’s a lot of blood. It’s like looking at the fountains outside of Treasure Island in Las Vegas. Wow, look at that. I’ve never seen that color before. That must be heart blood. Will blog more tomorrow in the off, off chance Chad Helmuth lives another day.)