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February 01, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

President Obama says that he expects Congress to pass immigration reform "within six months." As expected, Congress doesn't appreciate being told when to do its job and to do its job and he's black.

Iranian officials have told the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) that they plan to accelerate their uranium enrichment process. "Oh they are?" said the International Secret Reconnaissance Agency of Energy Liability.

A new study claims sex only burns about as many calories as walking. "So we're really not missing out on all that much," said scientists.

Chinese hackers are targeting the New York Times after the paper reported on Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao. Also the whole pay wall thing. That's pretty annoying.

In Tennessee, a man abandoned his dog because he thought it was gay. And you don't want to know what he did to his cat when he found out it voted for Ralph Nader.

Walmart announced it will limit sales of gun ammunition to three boxes per customer, per day. The good news, they're still offering unlimited amounts of hollow gestures.

A Syrian ambassador warned that his country might make “a surprise decision" in response to the recent Israeli airstrike. That's right: new drapes!

Pro golfer Vijay Singh and NFL linebacker Ray Lewis were named as two athletes who tried to purchase deer antler spray. Guess which one was successful.

"30 Rock" aired its final episode on Thursday night. As expected, Norm finally snapped and killed everyone at the bar.

The world’s first Barbie Café opened in Taiwan on Wednesday. Though some parents worry it will encourage girls to want to become cafés.

Porn star Ron Jeremy is reportedly in critical condition at an LA hospital. It's not looking good. Doctors say he's within 10 inches of his life.

While saying goodbye to his colleagues, John Kerrey called the Senate a “lasting memorial to the miracle of the American experiment.” Adding, "The kind of memorial where people are buried. Oh you know what? I'm thinking of a mausoleum. It's a lasting mausoleum."

Snowmobiler Caleb Moore has died following injuries sustained at last week's Winter X Games. For anyone unfamiliar with the X Games, it's like golf but with athleticism.

Dan Marino reportedly fathered a child with a CBS production assistant in 2005. Figures, the one time he's not intercepted.