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January 03, 2013

My dog is kind of a douchebag.


My Dog is a Douche

I am wearing tattered socks right now. I am wearing tattered socks because my dog is an asshole. It doesn’t matter how well I hide my socks. I will even put my socks in places where I know a dog cannot get to them but that son of a bitch still manages to get his damn mouth on my damn socks. I’m a simple man. I don’t ask for much in life. All I want are some socks that aren’t nearly ripped in half. My dog does not care because he is an asshole who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He’s such an asshole that he cannot even destroy my property in private. He only is willing to destroy my socks IN FRONT OF ME.

This is my dog’s sock destroying ritual.

1)      Find a damn sock.

2)      Put the damn sock is in damn asshole mouth.

3)      Run up to me and pretend like he wants to me to grab the damn sock.


5)      Continue to destroy sock until I decide to try and retrieve it.


7)      Realizes that I have given up on trying to retrieve the sock.

8)      Destroys the sock.

9)      And then I swear that little asshole laughs at me.

That’s not the actions of a loving and pet. That’s the actions of an asshole in the form of a family pet.

My dog is also the worst when it comes to have to use the bathroom. He’s trained to bark whenever he needs to use the bathroom but he wants to pretend to want to use the bathroom ALL OF THE TIME. He will literally poop (and I’ll see bits and pieces of sock in it which will make me irate) and then bark about needing to poop 20 minutes. I’M NOT STUPID, DOG. I KNOW DIGESTIVE SYSTEMS DO NOT WORK THAT FAST, YOU ASSHOLE.  But I’ll take him out anyway because he won’t stop barking and the constant barking just makes me want to kill myself.  When he doesn’t actually need to empty his bowels, he will spend his entire outside time licking the exact same spot on the ground and when he isn’t doing that he’ll try to piss on my car. I would just let him go outside on his own but he happens to think running out into moving traffic is a wonderful pastime. I would think that a semi-intelligent creature would think that MOVING BIG WHEELED THINGS WILL MAKE DOG GO SPLAT.  But he doesn’t.  He never will. Sometimes when I’m with my dog, I consider running into moving traffic.

Even in sleep, I cannot escape my dog. He will jump into my bed and growl at me until I sleep in the fetal position so he can snuggle between my legs. I can never actually change my position when I sleep because that would wake my asshole dog off and I’d rather deal with him when he is asleep rather than when he is awake actively trying to shit on my soul. I can’t actually prove it but I think while I was sleeping that my dog might have whispered to me that he was the only thing that ever would actually be willing to share a bed with me.  Yeah, that sounds impossible, but my dog is such a big asshole that he honestly could leap outside the realms of possibility and learn the English language just to tell me that I will be forever alone.



I just wish my dog wasn’t such an adorable asshole.