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May 11, 2017
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The only good reasons not to tip your servers.

When you go out to eat, it is important to tip your servers. Whether or not you realize it, waiters and waitresses in most places earn next to nothing without their tips. Lots of people think you should forgo a tip if you don’t like the food, or the air conditioning isn’t working, or your meal takes too long. But these things most likely aren’t your server’s fault. Below are the ONLY times it is acceptable not to tip.

1. Your server is openly rude to you.

2. You never get your food.

3. You are not in a restaurant and didn’t ask for a server. If you’re sitting in a park, for example, and a waiter or waitress comes up to you and just starts taking your order, you do not have to tip them because you did not agree to this type of interaction taking place. If you happen to find this a delightful surprise and desire to tip them, by all means go ahead. But you are certainly not obligated.

4. The server brings up The Tree of Life even though they KNOW that movie confused you.

5. Your table is positioned so that half of it is dangling dangerously over the side of the cliff on which this outdoor restaurant is located. That’s kind of the gimmick of the place. You finish your delicious meal and are about to leave a tip when you realize that even the slightest bit more weight on the other side of the table would cause the table to go crashing down to the cavernous wasteland beneath. Your own side of the table is way too cluttered with dishes. You look around for your server thinking you could just hand them the tip, which is nice to do anyway. But they are nowhere to be found. Neither are any of the hosts, managers, or bussers you saw only moments ago. And you have no idea where the chefs even are, there is no kitchen in sight. You regret coming here. You have no choice but to walk away without tipping.

6. Your waiter or waitress offers you a job as a trainer in an illegal bear fighting ring where the bears are not (wink wink) humans fighting to the death against their will. You do not need to tip and should probably call the cops.

7. You are a regular at the restaurant you are visiting. You or your significant other have very recently become pregnant. You are not comfortable telling people out loud yet, but you have a very strong relationship with this one server who is your friend. You decided a long time ago that visiting the restaurant and not leaving a tip would be your signal to them that a baby is on the way. Instead of the grimace one usually receives after stiffing a server, you are given a warm hug on the way out. All of the other servers are confused.

8. Your server is Lord Tottle. Lord Tottle is an ancient god from the first draft of Scientology, before they added all the science fiction stuff. He now belongs to no religion and walks the earth taking the forms of servers in different restaurants. He is insulted by tips. Not tipping him will result in a lifetime of good luck. You can spot him by the fact that he always wears a blue shirt and white tie, regardless of the restaurant’s uniform, and he only speaks in tongue twisters.

9. There is a hair in your pasta. In most cases, I would still tip here, because it’s very possible it came from one of the chefs or someone else handling your food. But in this particular instance, you saw the server deliberately place the hair before approaching the table. And then they smiled and said “Here’s your pasta, I put a hair in it.” When you asked for another pasta without hair, they said they were sorry but they’re actually out of pasta now, this was the last one. Then I wouldn’t tip.

10. Your server pushes you out of your chair and sits in your place. They demand that you serve them.

11. You were once an undercover assassin in an elite underground organization known as Mission 7. Your job was to receive slips of paper with a name on it and you had to kill that person, no questions asked. One day, the name on the paper was your partner, known to you only as Agent Orange. You had actually started to like your partner, but you had to do it. No one questioned Mission 7. You had just finished a mission on the dark clear night you planned to kill your partner. You said “Goodbye, Orange” as you reached for your gun, only to find their gun already pointing at you. Bastards. They assigned you to kill each other. You almost started to laugh before a bullet pierced your abdomen. Why your abdomen, you wondered? Orange was a perfect shot. As you hit the ground, you hear the chief agent talking behind Orange. “This was all a test”, he said. “A test of loyalty. And you passed-” But before he could finish that sentence he was dead. A gunshot right through the heart by Orange, who was indeed a perfect shot. You realized that Orange had figured out everything that was going on and that was why they only wounded you. You agreed to part ways and start new lives, as you would both be hunted by Mission 7. There were no hard feelings. Although, you did always resent that they got a shot on you…Fifteen years later, you’re in a diner. Your server approaches and it just so happens to be Agent Orange. But, of course you knew that. That’s why you’re here. An old score must be settled. When the server approaches you, they stop as they realize who their customer is, then continue towards your table. They know they’re not going to get a tip…

And those are all of them. If any of those things happen to you while you’re being served in a restaurant, feel free not to leave a tip. If not, then please tip your servers.

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