My Basic Stand up Routine for Fort Jackson on March 5,2009.
"Hi everybody!" You know like the late /great Rodney Dangerfield who used his tie and the "I can't get no respect" line as his signature remark for all of his routines I use "I hope my gynecologist made it here for the show tonight because I always like for him to see a completely different side of me!" Yeah-look clothes.
Speaking of clothes; since you all usually have to wear identical outfits do you ever turn to the person standing next to you and wonder if maybe they look better in the fatigues pattern or the uniform color then you do ? ( Asking someone in audience- "how do you feel about it? What's your name?)
While we're talking fashion and color, my mother in law came to visit a while back and I reminded her that we live with a bunch of cats and not to bring the "navy," okay-because it picks up all the cat hair and she'll have a hairy butt. So what does she do; she starts spreading rumors about how I'm anti-US.Navy,well you all know how they are,right? Things are so out of control now that I'm even getting hate mail from "The Blue Man Group," it's rediculous!And what happens then I get what looks like a card in the mail, so I'm thinking well at least she sent me a thank you note, no too much credit for her,it's her freakin' dry cleaning bill!
Family,ugh! Do any of you have a show off in the family? Yeah,me too. In our family it's my cousin. She called yesterday to inform me that she's "on holiday" in New Delhi for two weeks-" so I had to quickly think on my feet, so I say "you are kidding, you'll never believe this; I've got the day off-that's no.1, and I'm at a new deli,okay-that's no.2, and I'm on Two Notch Road-no.3..
So anyway, you know I went semi-vegetarian in 1989 because I love animals but I'm so tired of repeating the reasons why so now if people ask me if I want some ham or barbecue or whatever I just say no thanks,I'm Jewish-my Preacher knows I'm full of shit !
I like shopping at Target, you all like the name,right? Well the other day a cashier was ringing up my stuff and when she gets to the toilet paper, she stops and says"are you sure you want this color?" Yeah,sure whateva',white's good, I like white toilet paper." So she holds up the package and says "No, I mean the baby in the picture on the wrapper looks black and you seem to be white..." I answer:"get yourself some comfortable shoes because you are going to be here for a long,long time,okay."
Did any of you happen to see the Larry King Show on Jan.29th. when he had the ousted preacher that got caught having a gay affair with a homosexual prostitute on, yeah Ted Haggard. Anyway, Larry king asks him "do you consider yourself a homosexual,or a bi-sexual,or what?" So Ted Haggard answers, come on ,you can't make this stuff up "I don't like to place myself in a box." So Larry's pulling the polite,old speckled show host routine and kind of looking away from the camera and then as luck would have it asks innocently,"so you think you're over the 'hump?" Oh,come on people! Had that been Bill Maher or Jay Leno you know they would have run with that ball, they would have had a feeding frenzy,right?
Speaking of getting older;it really isn't that bad-one complaint that I do have is my memory seems to be going- yeah,I can't even remember to keep getting older,it's a real bitch.
Speaking of bitches-have you all heard; Sarah Palin is starting her own Alaskan Bottled water company, oh yeah, it's gonna' be called "Crap From The Tap." I understand there will also be a "Pcp" version ,she gets her Omega Threes and pcps mixed up!
Finally before I turn this stage over to the next funny guy or gal I just want to say one more thing that we always say around our house,"please pass on DeMints, Thank You!!!Stay strong ,and God bless,give yourselves a round of applause too. Thank you, I'm Carmen Nunn.