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August 21, 2014

Putin has a few alterations to the Ice Bucket Challenge before he's willing to participate.


Vin Diesel recently challenged Russian President Vladimir Putin to the Ice Bucket Challenge. In his response, Putin seemed interested, though he had a few suggestions on how to make it a little more challenging.

Thank you, Comrade Vin Diesel, for your Ice Bucket Challenge.

Our opinion of the word “challenge” differs. I have a few Ice Bucket Challenge alterations before I can accept.

First, dumping a bucket of ice on my head is not difficult. On holiday at the age of 9, I removed all my own nerve endings with a pair of pliers so now I don’t feel cold. In fact, I don’t feel anything. Perhaps we can replace with a large bucket of rabid tigers? Just a thought.

Additionally, I won’t do it on a green lawn as seems to be the norm. I’d like to do it, naked, on an island that’s being burned from the outside in. In addition to natural predators, I’d prefer it populated with masked men on PCP, blowing poison darts at me. I want to know if my neck muscles are still developed enough to remove the dart and return it with force to the air, piercing the attacker. Ah, how I miss using my neck muscles!

A look through YouTube shows me there’s a lot of laughter and shrieking in these challenges. I want to be clear that I’ll only smile once, after removing the hearts of five tigers with my teeth. It’ll be less of a smile and more of a masculine baring of my canines to assert dominance among the remaining tigers. I assume there will be more than five tigers or I won’t break a sweat. The powerful smell of my sweat is something everyone should witness at least once in their life, though I warn you my pheromones have been known to shatter a man’s sanity in seconds.

I would also like to cover the bucket in acid. That’s just for fun, and because I like the smell of my own burning flesh. I find it familiar and comforting.

I think it would be best to finish the challenge riding my remaining tigers into the ocean and battling a small army of robot-shark hybrids. If we survive, then – and only then – will I have completed the challenge.

As I break apart the last robot shark with my acid-burned, still-smoking flesh, tiger blood dripping down my chin, I will stand with each of my feet on a tamed, rabid tiger that swims through the sea, and I will urinate long and hard.

Perhaps we should change the name to the Tiger Acid Robot Shark Blowdart PCP Bucket Challenge? I want to keep the bucket part.


P.S. What is ALS?