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September 23, 2008



This is the 3rd day of the week-long blog of Chad Arthur Helmuth (as told to his son, Jack Helmuth).  Chad, a devout small government Republican and die-hard Ronald Reagan supporter, went into a coma when he jumped into an above ground swimming pool filled with liquid nitrogen in an attempt to freeze himself the day Reagan was shot in 1981.  A few days ago he regained consciousness.  Fun fact: This morning Chad entered the Guinness Book of World Records for Most Times Being Declared Legally Dead.


Hey everyone!  To start with, I have some terrible, terrible news to share with you:  I woke up today.

It’s kinda like at Christmas, when you’re a kid, and you can’t wait to get to sleep as soon as possible so you can wake up and, voila!  It’s Christmas.  Well, for me, it’s very similar – I can’t wait to get to sleep so I can hopefully not ever wake up.  But I’ve got a bunch of Scrooges at this hospital who want to shit down old Santa’s throat and keep my dream from coming true. 

It’s been a 24 hour stretch full of disappointment, to be honest with you.  I watched the Emmy Awards and I gotta admit, it used to be different in my day – famous people used to be entertaining.  Except for some British guy and that pretty lady with glasses who won something every five minutes, everyone there was completely terrible.  And I’m old enough to remember when awards show hosts were, you know, funny.  And had talent.  Do Americans just put car salesmen on TV now?

During the show I saw an ad for a movie:  “Beverly Hills Chihuahua”?  Jesus, I’d rather be me than watch that shitburger.  Think about that.  Man…”Beverly Hills Chihuahua”?  Tom Bergeron?   What the fuck?!  Did someone fly an airplane into this country’s sense of humor?

What’s that?  Why is that an inappropriate thing to say? 


Yikes.  I bet the Communists were behind it.  Well, regardless, that is a terrible, terrible tragedy.  I’m sickened by what I’ve just been told…and sickened that this must’ve undoubtedly happened under the watch of a Democratic administration.  Those hippie pussies.  Did they catch the guy who did it?  No?  See!  A Republican like Ronald Reagan would’ve hunted that miserable fuckface down first thing and…fucking…I don’t know, made him watch “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” or something. 

Switching gears, I met a guy in the hospital today who has AIDS.  It made me very proud when he said that President Reagan took on this epidemic head first… in 1987.  I’m surprised it took that long for the disease to come to light, seeing as I had heard about it in 1981.  Hm.  Well, either way, being a Republican means being a proponent of science and medical advancement (that’s really being pro-life).  So I’m sure there’s barely any AIDS left in the world. 

Hey, speaking of controversial issues, did “crack” ever make it big in the 80’s?  I had some Heritage Institute friends who were real excited to introduce it into select neighborhoods.  We were at a “Quality Control” conference talking about that one.  If it wipes out the entire Los Angeles inner city by 1999, I owe former CIA head William Casey a candy bar.

You know what really hurts?  My whole body.  Beyond that, you know what really hurts?  My balls.  It’s been 27 ½ years since I’ve had an orgasm.  I have a terrible case of blue balls.  Literally, they’re blue, due to being frozen by liquid nitrogen.  And that’s terrible.  If you wouldn’t mind stepping out of the room, I’d like to take care of that problem right now if I may.  I don’t know what the popular “euphemism of the day” is, so how do I say this delicately…umm…I’m going to play with my penis until I ejaculate.  So, please leave.  Oh, and if you hear me screaming in agony, that’s what happens every time I climax.  I am Republican, after all.  Sexual pleasure isn’t allowed.  Now get out!

(NOTE:  I left my father’s room, as he asked.  A solid half a minute later I heard the screams of pain like he said I would.  Turns out the screams were caused by the steady stream of liquid nitrogen that had been trapped inside his scrotum for a quarter of a century that was finally released, freeze-burning his urethra upon release.  I thought this might be as good a time as any to let him know about embryonic stem cell research and the amazing advances we haven’t had in the last 8 years.  You know, to do things like cure MS or Parkinsons, or, say, grow skin.  My dad said it was like having liquid nitrogen squirt out of his dick again, and I believe him.  More tomorrow.  I can’t believe he didn’t die once during today’s blog.)