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Published February 05, 2010
An excerpt from . . . 
 

A Word to The World Meteorological Organization  

    Have you ever seen a hurricane wearing a T-shirt or reading a newspaper? What about a person with an organized convection and definite cyclonic surface wind circulation? You know, aside from destroying property and life in senseless acts of unconscionable violence, hurricanes and human beings have nothing in common, so why the fuck do you name them after us, huh?

 I mean, what do you think the general population thinks of people who share the name of a hurricane? According to a recent poll* 100% of Haligoneons hate every asshole named Juan. Furthermore, with the exception of perhaps Stennis, human names are not the frightening verbal representations indicative of the horror and devastation a hurricane is capable of reaping. If I hear on the radio that hurricane Melanie is headed toward my city, I'm not going to think of a tree crashing through my roof, or shards of glass flying at me like a hail of bullets. I'm going to think of the time I sat in the corner of a dimly lit café, sipping cold, black coffee, realizing she wasn't going to come. Why didn't I stay with her? that lonely night in December I'll think. Why!


Anyway, why not name hurricanes after heavy metal bands? Don't you think people would be more willing to evacuate if they heard hurricane Megadeth, or hurricane Hellhammer, or hurricane Celtic Frost was bearing down on their city? (I know I probably might.) What? Do you think you'll run out of band names? Nonsense. Just cut and paste the names of bands already used: Dethhammer, Hell Frost, Mega Celtic, the possibilities are endless. And if worse comes to worst, you can always start a metal band of your own. (It doesn't matter if the bands suck. Just work on that double bass kick and keep those names coming.)

 Another question: who the hell thought of the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane scale? Why does it only go to five? I'm supposed to be afraid of a category five hurricane? Five? Honestly. Whatever happened to ten? If you insist upon using the one to five scale, the least you can do is replace category with something like echelon.

   Finally, and most important, if you're not going to name hurricanes after metal bands, I at least want my name off your list. Colin will be the name given to the third Atlantic hurricane of the season in 2010, and I am not cool with that. Do you have any idea what this will do to me? When that hurricane - bearing my name - has its time, I will be behind it 100%. Consuming beer and pretzels, I'll be watching the weather network like an angry dad watching a hockey game. "Oh come on!" I'll holler, as the weatherman reports that hurricane Colin has been downgraded to a category four. And if my hurricane is heading towards a major city, it'll be like the final play-offs, and I will reach a whole new level of asshole. I will put a chart up on my wall listing all the hurricanes of the season. I will keep track of all the casualties and money in property damage, and I will count them as goals and assists (respectively). If hurricane Colin wins (and I know it will), I'm throwing a huge party that no one will go to. However, when the party's over, when hurricane Colin becomes a tropical depression and fades into the arctic sky, I too will grow cold with despair. A dreadful guilt will wash over me as I reflect on my deplorable and insensitive actions. "What have I done?" I'll cry, as I tear the scoreboard off my wall and throw it into the fireplace. I'll come to hate myself, like I hate those bastard Juans and the parents that named them.


* The poll was conducted by me, with a total sample of me. Margin of error plus or minus  60%.

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