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Published October 15, 2012

Imagine a life where day in and day out you are able to do whatever you want to do, you know like celebrities? You don't need to work, and you are always on Cloud Nine everyday. You get to roam the streets whenever you please and you don't even have any nagging wife or family to tell you that you can't leave the house or can't go out. Heck, you don't even have a house! Thank god right? All of those annoying mortgage payments, taxes, and utility bills. Ew! Well what if I told you that all of this was possible if you introduced a little friend of mine called Mr. M-E-T-H into your life. I promise you will be the greatest decision you'll ever make! I mean look at this fella. He probably worked some boring roofing or plumber job, barely scraping through life without ending his own misery out of sheer boredom. But one year later he decided to grow himself a sexy beard and a wacky hair-do just for poops and giggles! I mean can you honestly say that that guy looks like someone who doesn't know how to party? Yeah I didn't think so.

Before anyone reading this goes all nutsy bananas on me, let me hit you with a little knowledge train just to prove that people on methamphetamine know what they're talking about. The life changer also know on the street by some other super cool names like speed, chalk, ice, crystal, or glass, (Bet I already got some believers with those sick nicknames), has changed the lives of over 1.2 million Americans for the better over that past year! Think how many people are partying way harder than you right now! Even 12 year-olds! How lame do you feel right now? I was always taught throughout my schooling and family life that following the crowd is the best way way to go about living your life. In fact, my father used to always feed me the phrase, "Come on kiddo, everyone's doing it. You want to be cool right?" as he'd feed me my spoonful of cocaine for the day. See, it can't be bad at all if over a million folks are doing it! The key thing is that it is just not well-known enough by the American public, and if Obama ever hopes to get re-elected, he'd better jump on the Meth-express and make it a national trend!

So you're probably wondering, how can I, just an average American, get started on this new hobby because I'm so intrigued! Well don't worry pal, that's what I'm to tell you about today. First, if you don't have the means to leave the country, then don't worry you're in luck! A lot of people will tell you that the most dangerous form of meth is found in the United States, but don't believe that bologna; they meant to say it's the most fun! You're going to want to relocate to a rural area, especially on the West Coast or in the Upper Midwest. If you come in contact with any gangs widely-know to ride motorcycles for a living, make sure to buddy up to them. Most of those guys have impressive resumes in this area and will be great role models to follow! Once you get a hold of the methamphetamine, you won't have to worry about even trying very hard because you'll be hooked right away. Then it's smooth sailing for the rest of your days buddy. If you're lucky, you'll have a lot of super intense crashes which are a fun little signal that says, "Hey, I guess it's time to get more meth!" The other important thing to keep in mind is that money is not even an issue when you're on meth! Who would've thought it could be so easy right? Once you run out of money from buying all of that meth, all you've got to do is start stealing money or objects from family members or friends. Don't worry if they catch you, they'' understand or even think you're pretty bad ass. If they do catch you and ask you about it, tell them how great it is and recommend them to read this article!

One more thing to keep in mind is that you need, I repeat NEED to stay away from those rehabilitation centers or police folks because they can be a real bummer and try to bring you down from all of the fun! They might try to say that they are trying to help you or that they love you and are trying to get you to turn your life around, but in reality, they are just jealous of all the crazy fun you've been having lately and that you didn't invite them to join in. I hope that one day you can look back and think about when you read all of this and give yourself a big old walloping pat on the back and go buy yourself some more meth! Good luck everybody, and continue the new push for METHAMPHETAMINE 2012!

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