Full Credits

Stats & Data

May 15, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

A new CBS/New York Times poll says a majority of Americans are in favor of either gay marriage or civil unions. However, even more Americans said they’d like it if gays “turned it down a notch.”

The cost of oil is near a five-month low. Which explains why the cost of gas and airplane flights are so reasonable.

A JP Morgan executive resigned today after the bank lost $2 billion, with their CEO stating her “vast contributions to our company should not be overshadowed by these events.” For example, she never forgot when it was her Coffee Day.

A new ad attacking Mitt Romney describes his former company Bain Capital as “like a vampire.” Which also explains why so many teenage girls have Bain Capital posters above their beds.

Psychologists now believe psychopaths can be identified in kindergarten. On the bright side, toddler-size straight jackets and Hannibal Lecter masks are never not cute.

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt says he dumped his girlfriend to focus on the upcoming Olympics. She was pretty upset but at least she was smart enough not to chase after him.

Clay Aiken went on “Face the Nation” to discuss gay marriage. Meanwhile, Ruben Studdard may have just farted.

Actor Chris Hemsworth became a father this week. Doctors reported she was 8 pounds 9 ounces not including the giant thunder hammer she was born with.

President Obama apparently called ministers to discuss his support for gay marriage just two hours after his TV appearance. Things got a little heated when he eventually spoke with the Rev. William Nosonofmineisgonnabeacheerleader.

An 18-year-old Panamanian fisherman is suing Princess Cruises after a cruiseship passed him and his stranded friends even though they signaled for help. Even worse was when the cruiseship captain told passengers if they looked starboard, they’d see three major buzzkills.