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The Mitt Romney campaign has released its first commercials and oh boy do they…exist. At least they have a very generic gimmick in which they rattle off what Mitt will do on his first day of office, all of which seem like lofty goals. Usually, when you settle in to your new job, you have learn people's names, get the lay of the land, etc. Rarely do you have time for "making China play by the rules" (an actual line from the commercial).

While the China line and other vague promises like "end deficit reduction" fill the 30 second spot, here are some others that didn't make the cut: 

  • Create jobs that Obama never would have by hiring legal Mexicans to construct ivory tower above White House where Ann and I will reside
  • Pin Joe Biden to the ground, shave his fruity haircut 
  • Fill vault with gold coin pool, work on backstroke
  • Purchase Wrangler jeans. Call press conference to announce everyman status, but show up late because of "impromptu" touch football game. 
  • Pin China to the ground, shave its fruity haircut. 
  • Secure deal as spokesman for Just For Men (it's what we in the business world call "Kickstarting the Economy")
  • Strap Obama's dog to the roof of the car, go joyriding around DC. (it's what we in the Romney clan call "fun")
  • Avoid saying "I don't feel feelings"
  • Avoid saying  "What is this 'Middle Class' phrase you keep using? Is that a joke from a television sitcom?"
  • Avoid calling dancing "gay walks"
  • Avoid saying "Are you sure I won the election? You may want to count those votes again." 
  • Accuse cleaning lady of stealing change my change cup. 
  • Pin cleaning lady to the ground, shave her head
  • Deny healthcare coverage for those in need because of new "common sense" policies

 

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