At some point we all knew Olive Garden was gonna give up and be like, “Fine, we don’t care how it looks, people come in and eat a million of our breadsticks, let’s just put some stuff that we have lying around on them and start charging for it.” And they’ll be doing just that starting June 1st!
Olive Garden is introducing to their lunch menu new chicken parmigiana and meatball sandwiches that will be made using two breadsticks. It’s the kind of Italian food Americans should be proud of. In a press release sent straight to the Funny Or Die offices, Olive Garden is making it clear why they’ve decided to sell breadstick sandwiches.
Here it is.
Here’s a sandwich that we know you want and, ultimately, the sandwich that you deserve. It’s a sandwich made with our salty-ass breadsticks. We’ve stopped trying to act fancy with all this Italian family-style dining stuff.
We know you love them. You come into Olive Garden, a restaurant initially conceived of to bring fine Italian dining at reasonable prices for middle-class families, and you chose instead to just sit there and eat a million breadsticks. We originally offered the breadsticks without a limit on how many you could have as an afterthought. Reasonable people come in and order their food and we give you a little bread to relieve a little of your appetite while your entree is being made. We didn’t mean for families to come in with empty coolers and pack away breadstick after breadstick into them when they thought nobody was looking. We were looking, America! We were always looking. And now we’re just gonna stop pretending like you want anything different from us and just give you more breadsticks.
Here it is. More ways to eat our breadsticks.
Can we get you our new Citrus Chicken Sorrento or maybe some light herb-grilled salmon, two original specialty dishes that our chefs are very proud of? No? You’d just like more breadsticks for you and your son, a boy who has eaten so many breadsticks that it looks like his arms are two plump breadsticks joined by a garlic knot elbow? Sure no problem. This is the kind of thing you love even as you talk about it sarcastically with friends. We know we’re doing what you want even if you won’t admit it.
Here it is. This time with stuff on them.
Your choice of our zesty parmigiana chicken or pan-seared beef meatballs plopped onto breadsticks wettened by loads of garlic juice that we basically paint on there with actual gigantic paint brushes. We’ve seen your breadstick-armed son lick our breadsticks like they were a lollipop before munching on them, and we responded by making a full meal out of that salty, tingling garlic flavor.
So bon appetit. For our breadstick sandwiches are exactly the kind of crap that you want to eat and you know it.