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October 06, 2014

I'm a liberal woman living, loving, and laughing in Manhattan. Republicans, come make me one of you.

Hey Republican party. I’m a liberal woman living, loving, and recycling in Manhattan, so I probably seem on the surface like a lost cause for conservatives. But I’m actually ripe for the picking. Here’s how you can make me a Republican.

The world is heating up. 2014 was the hottest summer on record, and it’s on track to be the hottest overall year. Storms are getting worse, species are dying off, and there’s a garbage island in the middle of the ocean (and I don’t mean the Isle of Man, but fuck that island).

Isle of Man.svg

Ugh, Isle of Man, we get it.

90% of scientists believe that climate change is real and man-made. 100% of Melindas believe that it’s scary as fuck. It’s time to do something about it.

That’s why we need you to take on climate change, Republicans. I want you to bomb pollution.

I realize that attacking climate change is going to require a lot of things that you don’t necessarily like to do, like regulate things, and spend money, and admit that science is real.

Republicans always want to side with businesses over the government. You guys want to believe we’re a nation of lone, rugged pioneers, sitting on our hilltops defending our homesteads from bears and excessive regulation. You worry that the kind of governmental oversight it would take to do things like limit carbon output will turn us into a bunch of sissies and deliver our nation into the hands of the bears.

A couple things about that: One, the bears are already down for the count, along with half the animals in the world. Two, climate change falls into the one area where you don’t mind making the government big as fuck: national defense.

And this is national defense, Republicans. The nation badly need defending against droughts in California and flooding in New Jersey and probably Orca whales in Kansas soon enough.

I’m not asking you to fundamentally change your stripes. I’m just asking you to treat climate change like what it is: The biggest threat to our homeland security that there’s ever been.

Climate change is a war. Pollution is Al Qaeda. Now, Republicans, do what you do.

I’m talking a “do not fly” list if you have the same name as a suspected carbon terrorist (which is what we will now call oil company executives). Indefinite detention at Guantanamo for anyone who does not cherish the rainforest. Drones that shoot guns at smog.

slow loris.jpg

Give this slow loris an Uzi.

Actually, all that sounds terrifying, but you get the idea. You guys could have a lot of fun with this. As a nation, we’re getting sick of the open-ended, expensive, no-end-in-sight War on Terror. This would be a brand new open-ended, expensive, no-end-in-sight war.

And we’re going to need you on this, Republicans. Liberals’ hearts are in the right place when it comes to climate change, but let’s face it, if it’s left to us hippies, we’ll probably slap some solar panels in our community gardens and call it a day.

And if you still feel the need to take out your aggression on some actual human beings, well, you can do whatever you want to the Isle of Man. I won’t say a word.