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February 29, 2016
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Whoa, buddy. Clarence Thomas came out of a 10-year-long silence with a very boring question.

Justice Clarence Thomas broke his 10-year silence today and asked a question from the Supreme Court bench during oral arguments of Voisine v. U.S. The case involves passing a “federal law preventing people convicted of misdemeanor domestic violence from owning firearms.”

So after 10 years of saying nada, and possibly just wondering what he wanted to eat for dinner that evening, Justice Thomas asked Justice Department lawyer Ilana Eisenstein:

“This is a misdemeanor violation. It suspends a constitutional right. Can you give me another area where a misdemeanor violation suspends a constitutional right?”

Hey, Clarence, ever thought about breaking a 10-year silence with something not so heavy as kinda coming out in defense of domestic abusers? Truly a giant bummer! Also, it’s kind of boring. Like you really could have wowed us if you wanted to.

Next time you don’t say shit for a decade, perhaps think about easing us all into your wack-ass conservative view points and starting off a bit gentler, or at least a lot cooler.

  • “Gonna break a lil rule of mine, and just toke up right now here in court if that’s cool with everyone?”
  • “Who has an iPhone charger? Oh, it’s a 5s. I’ve been watching skate vids on my phone this whole trial. Totally eating up the battery.”
  • “Ms. Eisenstein — you’re not related to Einstein, are you? Now THAT would be a wild coincidence. Right?”
  • “My mouth has been glued shut for years, goddamn. How dare none of you act like your cared during these 10 years of silence. I WAS IN PAIN!”
  • “First of all, let me say, Will Ferrell has always been the one!”
  • “A huge congrats to Leo! Long overdue!”
  • “Now, Ms. Eisenstein, I hear what you’re saying, but would love if you could just do it through interpretive dance. Modern or on pointe. Whichever!”
  • “Has everyone been watching the FX OJ show? Remarkable acting. We all owe David Schwimmer an apology for writing him off!”
  • “Obama should be able to appoint a new justice before his term ends and those opposing that are manipulating our country’s most important document. Fuck off, ass-hats!”
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