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October 07, 2016

This year, have fun while showing your friends you’re not an apolitical moron.

With the first Presidential debate behind us and election season in full swing, our future is definitely starting to look a little scary. Or dare I say… spooky?

Halloween is approaching faster than a bat outta Hillary’s crypt. This year, keep relevant and show your friends you’re not an ignorant asshole by donning a politically relevant costume! We’ve come up with a few ideas to help you along your way to becoming the most enlightened individual at the costume party.

The pneumonia virus that infected Hillary


Pneumonia is a serious disease that infects your lungs and fills them with fluid. Grab two large sheets of red construction paper and cut them each into a kidney bean shape. Affix them to your regular shirt, and tape plastic bags full of water onto the paper. Voila! A life-threatening illness.

Sean Hannity’s phone


Sean Hannity has not received a phone call since he flunked out of NYU in 1979. For this outfit, ask your grandma if you can look in her attic for a rotary phone from the 1970s. You can even stick some of the dust and cobwebs in the attic onto your body. If this costume is too heavy, consider the burden of being Sean Hannity.

A Trump resort


Tired of dealing with fatties and uglies? Just wear your “1% best” and carry an exact model of a Trump property (if possible, return to your grandma’s attic and check for an authentic “Whites Only” sign). This costume is going to be expensive and laborious, so make sure to hire outside help. Don’t pay them.

Hillary’s cheats


Ideally you should purchase a flesh-colored earpiece, but if this is not possible, just flaunt your own grotesquely bulbous ear. Then strap a pillow around your back to “prop you up”, which really contains a device that transmits the entire history of world politics into your spinal column.

A wall


Trump always talks about building a wall, and let me tell you, it’s easier than those liberals think! Take two large slabs of cardboard and sandwich yourself between them, using string to hang them from your neck. For extra immersion, use your unwieldy shape to block any suspected immigrants from entering the party.

The Unforgiving, Infinite, Meaningless Void


To simulate the eternal abyss, don a black full-bodysuit. By merely crumpling papers and taping them to your chest, you can become a representation of countless political enigmas. When they come looking for Hillary’s emails and Trump’s tax returns, explain that these were necessary sacrifices to the netherworld.

Ben Carson’s campaign


This is a great costume for someone who typically don’t dress up, and it even works if you’re already at the party right now! All you have to do is become very drunk and pass out. In the morning, claim that you forgot what you dressed up as and have no memory of the party.

An almost-nominee

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What if you’re not invited to the Halloween party? No worries. Just stand outside and gaze forlornly into the window knowing that someone unconditionally loves you. Just like that, you’ve come as Bernie Sanders.